nightmares

I was emotionally exhausted yesterday that I felt like a zombie walking around I'm grateful for my awesome assistant that stepped up and held it together for me and my clients sake . When my head finally hit the pillow I struggled just a little but I was out until my husband's alarm went off. But he told me that I woke him up during the middle of the night because I was screaming and sobbing but he couldn't understand what i was saying. I don't remember any dreams from last night however I do know that I imagined MLRA screaming and needing to be comforted and rocked - the vision that the social worker painted for me was horrific ... I am going to wait to see if the social worker thinks it is in MLRAs best interest to see me. I told MLRA that would see him again at Christmas time so I don't want to add to his disappointments but at the same time I am no longer in charge of what is best for him.

I am overwhelmed with sadness- what I've identified so far is the sadness and anxiety for MLRA - guilt that I should have known his aunt was not committed enough to him I honestly believed that she loved him unconditionally. More than me.

Shocked in disbelief

It has been less than 24 hours since a prosecuter called me to advise me that MLRA had indeed been dropped off at the welfare office.  I was in disbelief but sort of relieved in a way.  See the angry text messages had continued.  But, for some reason yesterday morning I woke up in a fiesty mood where I no longer wanted to control myself but I wanted to unleash my disappointment as well. 

I got a text from aunt #2 stating that she had "heard" that I killed babies and had a dozen abortions and that I had had a dozen husbands.  So, instead of controlling myself, I shot her back a text that I had "heard" she killed a dozen cows and dinnertime the way she ate hamburgers. 


That wasn't my only response where I didn't hold back.  Aunt #2 had sent me a text calling me a coward for not transferring MLRA to her.  So, I angrily told her I HAD dropped off MLRA to her, talked to her about getting him into school and therapy and HAD made arrangements to transfer the legal guardianship to her.  I called her a tub of lard and a wench.

Okay, I stooped to their level and I shouldn't have but for a brief second I was glad.  But, yeah not anymore. 

So, today, I talked to the social worker that received MLRA when Aunt #2 dropped him off.  He said that Aunt #2 walked into the office, said she needed to drop off MLRA because she didn't have the financial resources or legal resources to take care of him.  The social worker asked if she needed help getting financial assistance or legal guardianship and she said no.  That even if she had the money and the legal guardianship that she couldn't take care of him because MLRA was too physically aggressive.  That he asked why? and that she said she had two other children and couldn't risk their safety.  That I had legal guardianship and that I had not wanted him and dumped him on her doorstep and "left him for dead". 

He said that Aunt #2 then turned around and went to outside and brought MLRA in and gave him a hug and said goodbye.  That MLRA started freaking out and started crying asking her where she was going and that she went outside and came back in and dumped his belongings on the floor and that MLRA tried to grab onto her and that she walked out with MLRA screaming for her to not leave him. 

The social worker said that it was so hard core that he kept replaying the scene in his mind and that the whole scene brought tears to the cops that were present. 

The social worker ended with telling me that he would be willing to consider letting me see him or talk to him but that he didn't necessarily know if that was a good thing considering that I wasn't going to be a long term solution for him.  However, the social worker did say that he thought that MLRA was doing very well in the new foster home and that he didn't know if that was a honeymoon period or not but that the family wanted to adopt him.  He said it was not the ideal choice for him racially and culturally but that frankly MLRA was happy to be there and hopefully it would be a fast track for adoption. 

Please pray for MLRA. 

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

This is all to end next week with the transfer of legal guardianship to  Aunt #2 - the aunt with the brothers.  Unfortunately, the aunt texted me on Monday "threatening" me that she was going to go drop MLRA at the welfare office because she never wanted him in the first place.  That if they didn't take him that she was then going to drive him over to my parent's house and drop him off there.  I can't imagine what MLRA is experiencing.  His hearing is supersensitive and hears low level conversations across two or three rooms with tv on and music on.  His therapists say that its a symptom of hypervigilance of needing to know what is going on. 

Regardless, I'm waiting to hear if that is true or another ploy to attempt to manipulate me. 

On Monday, this is the text I got from the aunt:

r u fucking stupid I NEVER WANTED THE KID I GAVE HIM TO U CUZ I DIDN'T WANT HIM & UR WEAR MINDED ASS COULDN'T HANDLE HIM.  I'M GIVING HIM AWAY. 

LOL that is why u don't have kids of ur own ha ha aside from the ones u aborted.  Ur nephews would tell me not to give you MLRA cuz u were all fucked up lol if they only knew how right they were.  Watch Watch n see....I'm shocked ur ur moms offspring cause ur no woman. 

I sent a smiley face back and got this response:

I can't wait till ur delt with Exactly all smiles over here cause see I have my son he is mine I'll never know that void of never having my own haha and I have the boy u thought u wanted.. Ur husband will never share that love of have a child together... hehe ur funny. 

and this morning the texts continued... with the final one being:

(we don't) have him and they know u left him for dead. 

I have not received any calls and well from what I know about the welfare system, they are not going to let her just drop him off unless she claims she is a danger to him.  which would mean she is a danger to her own kids. 

I was getting ready to end this blog and move on.  I guess its not over yet. 

By the way, no truth to the abortions and other comments she made but I'm not going to dwell on it.

But, in the grand scheme of things, I do think MLRA is better off away from all that hostility.  I spent a year and a half creating a safe and quiet environment for him.  Do I want him back? Unfortunately no.  I think I made the right decision for me and my family.  I think for MLRA it would have been good to be with his brothers.  I don't know if that's true anymore. 

Tired

Coming home from my Thanksgiving vacation, I was hopeful that I was past the worst of my spiral into an empty hole of depression. 

I have been home for a week now and I am so tired.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  All I want is to sleep and when I lie down, I can't sleep.  When I do sleep, I can't stay asleep.  And when I need to wake up, I can't get up from exhaustion. 

I washed MLRA's bathroom and bathtub finally.  No one has used it since he left.  Frankly no one would use it except for him.  Although I would clean it periodically, I never trusted I cleaned it well enough that I would use the other bathroom mostly.  But, I cleaned it finally and took a bubble bath. I lit a candle and played music in the background.  I haven't had a bubble bath in at least 2 years. The hot water and silence was not relaxing.  The chaotic thoughts scrambling through my head wouldn't let me relax.  My brain went from thinking about the goodbye with MLRA to the moments right before when I was tickling him to the text messages from his aunt to work to thoughts of MLRA and what he must have seen as he showered everynight in the same bath tub.  Did he wonder about his mother?  Did he wonder what he was doing with us? Did he relax enough to enjoy the showers?  Did he wonder about his father? 

I'm continuing forward with my plans.  I have put together a small group of friends interested in skyping with my friend the Jesuit priest.  Our first assignment is to listen to music ( a specific website) for a minimum of 5 minutes each day for the next week and write down how the music made us feel.  Anxious and nervous were my feelings.  

I will also start boxing this next week (a friend will be joining me).  Hopefully the physical exercise will physically exhaust me to knock me out and I can get some sleep. 

Enjoy loving and being loved

I went to college at a Jesuit university where I had access to many wonderful religious and spiritual leaders.  One in particular was a priest on my dorm floor my freshman year in college.  He was non-judgmental.  Not all are.  He is an extremely kind and gentle yet very worldly and aware.  He sent me a text recently that simply said, enjoy loving and being loved today. 

Surrounded by my extended family for the Thanksgiving week was exactly what I needed.  On Thanksgiving day, I sat myself back and enjoyed watching the love flow amongst every and all in my midst.  I received a lot of love mostly in the little things: The concerns for whether I had had enough to eat and drink, the genuine connection with most and the laughs from the belly. 

MLRA called to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving.  His calls are monitored and he is coached by voices in the background about what to say but his voice sounded happy.  He sounded very content. 

So, I sat down to read some messages I have received in this transition.  Here are some of the most profound: 

i just thought i'd stop by and let you know that even though we hardly see each other or even talk to each other, i want you to know that i look up to you! you're an amazing woman with nothing but warm love!!! You are not only amazing, but st...rong as well.. :) i have very much love and respect for you! Many wish they can have at least half of the courage you have! Never change! Everything you have done and continue doing has made an impact in many peoples lives! i know it! you are very inspirational.. thank you for what you do! :) God is big and you will get yours, if you haven't already! :) xoxo

trying and giving someone that long in a stable and safe environment, in itself, (and as unlikely as your connection otherwise would have been)….that was a miracle too. When you stop kicking yourself, you can start to heal, my darling and then, the world will open up again so that you can once more gain joy out of it.

Love you! You are an amazing woman, one of my role models!

You're amazing for trying rather than turning your back.

You gave your love to someone - there is no undoing that. I'm praying you will find peace soon.

you gave so much love. You did what so many others can't do. don't beat yourself up. Please try and remember all the good you both have done with him. He might not know now but you gave him his first stable foundation. You are truly a blessing.

Well you tried, you are not God and could not perform miracles, which is what it would've taken. You tried... Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing what is necessary for your sanity. :)

You must choose life. It's so worth living.

You were there when he really needed someone to teach him love and hold him when he was desperate! U did the best you could. Keep that chin up. All the best!!

you are one strong amazing person, I love you, no matter what happens you'll always have all of our support!

I have read your blog & empathize with your decision. I know that he had moment's of happiness as a child & maternal adoration for you. Do not think that you have failed. He will remember you as a person that loved him regardless of his shortcomings; there will always be flickers of childhood merriment & familial memories in your home. But it's going to be so painful for you over the next weeks, months & years. You took on a huge responsibility with this boy and you did not let him down but gave him a chapter of hope in a torrential life of pain that no child should have endured. I applaud you for hanging in there for so long when the prognosis became so bleak. You have to take care of yourself and let go. You know that you are facing a downward spiral that will come with PTSD & the battle scars. I don't know how to help you prepare for the pain. Be brave~ you have a strong spirit.

I think you gave it your all. You got him help, you loved him and it just sounds like he is really screwed up. I cannot imagine dealing w/what you have dealt with escpecially since you are not the one who screwed him up. It is very sad but hey we can't save the world. How much humility, anguish, tears, failure are you supposed to endure before you throw in the towel. He has probably already taken quite a toll on you already. You tried and kept trying but in the process do you keep trying until he destroys you? NO. You deserve a normal child, you seem to be an awesome woman who is willing to give so much.

I read and reread all my messages and allowed myself to bask in the love.

Surround myself with laughter and good people

Surrounded by family mainly I started to gently force myself to move forward.  Surrounded by family, I started to tell stories that would make them laugh.  I didn't know why but I felt that it was helpful for me to laugh at myself. 

I told them the story of when I went to study in Mexico for a summer.  Here let me share the story here.  It helped me focus on something other than my misery. 

I was 23 years old and I was selected to do an exchange program together with medical students.  The idea was to conduct a study on child malnutrition.   I was one of 12 students.  I was the only college student, the other 11 students were medical students.  We were each  assigned to a village.  On the weekends, all of us would meet in the capital city for medical classes and to work on our study.  At the end of the summer, my father came to Mexico to accompany back to the United States.  Shortly after he had arrived, we went to a soccer game.  My father got up and disappeared for a while but came back with two Coke bottles and some potato chips.  I was shocked.  I told my him, "Dad, don't drink the Cokes!  The professors at the university told us to not drink Coke because a man had fallen into the mixer and they had not been able to get him out in time so he was cut up into little pieces.  If you hold up the bottle of Coke, Dad, you can see bits and pieces of his bones floating in the bottle."  I grabbed the Coke bottle and held it up to show my father that he was going to be drinking pieces of a crushed up man.  My dad to my dismay, looked disgusted and grabbed his Coke and put it to his lips and drank it ignoring my pleas. 

He then grabbed the potato chips and opened the bag.  When he opened the bag, I told him, "Dad, the local newspapers published an article that uncovered that the factory where they make these potato chips was under investigation because they found thousands and thousands of dead rats.  Apparently they were skinning the rats and using the skin to fry the potato chips so that they didn't have to pay for frying oil."  I grabbed the bag of potato chips and held it up to my dad's nose and asked him to sniff.  I said to him that he needed to smell it so he could smell the faint smell of rat.  

My dad grabbed the bag out of my hand in a very hostile manner.  He then lowered his head and sighed.  Then he turned to look at me said, in a very disappointed tone, My God, and you were the only one of my children that studied in a university". 

Whenever I tell that story it makes people laugh.  This time I told it to make myself laugh at myself.  People rolled in laughter.  This was the first time I told the story in front of my dad.  He must have remembered because he looked at me and smiled while shaking his head like he remembered his own feelings and disappointment at that time. 

I was planning on going home the next day.  I planned on making lunch plans with close friends to keep myself on track.  During the week I did just that.  I didn't have to ask though.  Friends were calling me and inviting me to get together.  I was feeling better.  I had planned on taking a couple of days off and spending Thanksgiving with another part of my extended family.  So, I started packing.

I have now been here at my aunt's house since Saturday.  It is Wednesday before Thanksgiving.  Monday, I got a text from MLRA's aunt asking for money to buy him clothes, she said, I'm just your babysitter so please send money to feed him and clothe him.  I responded go to a second hand store.  I dropped him off with two coats and a suitcase of winter clothes.  She responded back with, forget it, go to hell, he doesn't need you and I'm going to tell him that you are nothing to him.  I am going to tell him that you don't give a shit about him and that you came to drop him for dead.  That you didn't care who was here to take him, just as long as you didn't have to take care of him anymore. 

I responded with, I'm sorry but to tell you the truth I am at peace with everything that I did for MLRA, how I treated him and how I transferred him to you . I have no regrets. 

She responded with, "are you stupid? at the end of the day, you left him for dead.  I'm going to remind him of that as he grows up."  My aunt kept asking me to read her the texts. As I read her the texts she responded with ignore her.  Don't text her anymore, you are done.  She is just trying to make you feel bad so she can get money out of you.  You don't owe them anything.  They are the ones that should be gratfeful that you took him for a year and a half.  They are the ones that should have sent you money to take care of him when you had him. 

After the string of texts stopped.  My aunt looked at me and said, They are evil people and for your own health you need to cut them off even if it means that you don't see MLRA.  They will drag you into their hell if not. and from what I can see, that is exactly what they are trying to do. 

I went back to not sleeping again.  Now, its the day before Thanksgiving and I am slowly getting back to sleeping all night.  I only woke up once last night at 3:30 am but I went back to sleep.  I want to call MLRA tomorrow to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving.  But, I don't know if I should.  Argh.  For now, I am going to go make some pumpkin pies and mull it over while the pies are baking and discuss it with my aunt. 

A plan

Its been a dark and cruel descent into guilt, shame, grief and intense sadness.  But, I need a plan.  I have gone through some pretty hellish times in the past.  Two specifics one I can think of.  The first was back in 1991 when in a matter of weeks my whole world crashed down on me. 

I was in law school.  I had just left my then-husband.  I had started fainting and feeling vertigo such so that I couldn't stop vomitting for days, couldn't get the room and me to stop spinning for weeks so I was confined to a bed.  All this while in law school.  Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.  Weeks prior the newspaper had published a warrant for my oldest brother.  My mother went with him to turn himself in.  But, the drug charges were pending.  Another brother had just found out he was diabetic and he was not taking it well.  One of my nephews had been sent to juvenile jail for breaking a store window with a bb gun and he had punched the guard and taken the jail keys and let him and a few buddies out of jail.  He was on the loose.  We didn't know where he was.  All this had happened in the days leading up to my first episode of vertigo 2/16/1992.

In the weeks and days after,  my mother's oldest sister died so my mother was out of the country for her funeral and unavailable to me.  There had been an explosion at work and my father had 2nd degree burns through 50% of his upper body.  I couldn't go to his side.   and he couldn't come to mine. 

Emotionally I checked out.  I boarded a bus and went to my brother's house and when I arrived I arrived an emotional zombie.  I sat on his sofa and stared into space for days.  My sister-in-law and brother would put food in front of me.  Every once in a while my 8 year old nephew would wave his hands in front of me to see if i would flinch.  I would smile at him and go back to my nothingness.  This went on for about a week.  Then I got up and said i was ready to go back to school.  I boarded Greyhound and went back to school.  

I wasn't okay but I was okay enough.

The second time was when I found a meth pipe in my present husband's laundry.  I gave him an ultimatum but that sent me into a tailspin.  My husband eventually completed a year of rehab and he has been clean now for 5 years.  But, in order to get out of that depression, I created a spiritual plan with a priest I knew from college.  I attended NarcAnon once a week and I hired a psychologist to get me through it. 

I know I needed a depression intervention plan. First I need to grieve.  So, I was letting myself grieve.  Upon my return home, I told myself I would keep myself busy with seeing friends.  Then I plan on flying to see more relatives for Thanksgiving.  Then when I come back I will start my spiritual journey.  Only this time, I was going to invite others.  After all, I now have $700 more a month now that I don't have to pay for MLRA's daycare.  MLRA went to a therapeutice daycare that was non profit. He then went to afternoon special preschool which was publicly funded but then he went to a private daycare for an hour (sometimes two hours) a day. And that was where we paid up to $700 a month. 

That money saved is going to fund my spiritual journey through this trying time. 

Absorbing the love

The day after the wedding, I made a decision to not hold back but to let myself grieve.  Of course with limits.  But, I wanted to take advantage of having my lovely family around. So, I didn't stop myself when my mind wandered to MLRA and his wellbeing.  I only had the weekend with my family and I didn't expect much emotional support when I got back home to my husband.  Not because I don't think my husband loves me but because I love him and understand that he doesn't do emotions very well especially crying. 

I needed emotional support and I was going to get it before I left. 

The one person I tried to hide my sorrowness from was my mother though.  I didn't want her to worry about me.  But, she asked me when MLRA's aunt was bringing MLRA back to me or if I had to go get him.  I told her that she was not bringing him-that he was going to stay with her.  My poor mom.  She looked at me and started crying and through her sobbing she said, "I don't feel sad for him.  He will be okay.  He will be better in fact, because of what you did for him.  Its you that I'm worried about.  You gave your heart and soul to him and you grew attached to him.  No matter your decision.  He became a part of you. Its you that is gonna suffer from this."  I held her. and she sobbed as I held her.  I told her that I was fine.  I didn't cry with her.  I was too busy comforting her. 

The emotional aftermath

That first night without him was quiet.  I slept for about 4 or 5 hours total from 10 pm to 8 am.  It was the morning of my niece's wedding.  I was looking forward to seeing her get married but I wasn't ready to face anyone nor did I want all the emotional drama to take away from her beautiful day.  Unfortunately, I couldn't help myself.  Everytime someone asked me if I was okay, I'd bust out into tears.  And I am an ugly crier.  Some people look okay crying- not ugly.  I look ugly when I cry.  So, I try to turn away so no one gets horrified.

I had one aunt that was my only other reliable babysitter (besides my next door neighbor that I eventually lost).  I had to face her.  She was the one that took care of him when I left the country last year for my cousin's funeral and also the one that took him for my birthday weekend when my brother couldn't. Granted she lived four hours away but she became the ONLY respite my husband and I had.  She loves me a lot and she came to love MLRA.  She and her husband.  Her husband loved him a lot too.  I avoided them until I couldn't anymore. 
But, I had to face her eventually. I had to get it over with.  I had to explain what I had done and I didn't have a happy ending to soften the blow.  I didn't know how he was doing.  I had texted and texted to see how he was doing and I got no response.  It didn't appear that they were going to let me talk to him or have contact with him.  I had to explain myself to my aunt.  They deserved a right to know.  They loved him too. They hadn't had a chance to say goodbye. 

I broke down at one point before the wedding and secluded myself in the bathroom.  I sobbed and sobbed.  I felt that my whole body was convulsing from the grief.  I didn't stop.  I couldn't stop.  My dear brother came looking for me and grabbed my arm and pulled me up and embraced me.  I clung to him tight and he held me tighter the more I cried.  I buried my face into his chest and sobbed while he held me even tighter.  He whispered to me, you did the right thing over and over again.  He told me you couldn't do this alone and he needs someone that doesn't have a job and can concentrate on just him.  He rocked me gently as he held me.  He told me he loved me and that he was proud of me for what I had done for him.  I cried until I became weaker.  He didn't let go.  I figured that I was too much emotion for him.  But, he held me until I didn't need his strength to stand upright anymore.

and that is how it was the whole night.  the whole wedding.  with each breakdown there was someone to comfort me.  That is the beauty of having a large family.  But, the most beautiful part of it all was that each time it was someone different.  I wasn't overwhelming one person.  It was different family members.  I guess its hard to explain.  But, with large families, its impossible to get along with everyone or be close to everyone.  So, I wasn't expecting emotional support but was gladly receiving it when offered. 

One of the big surprises was a cousin that I have never particularly liked or gotten along with.  In fact I avoid talking to her because I find her unpleasant.  But, the day after the wedding I received a call from her.  She wanted to tell me that if I ever wanted to talk that she was here for me and that she knew I was going through a hard time and she had my back no matter our history of not getting along and that she loved me. 

I cried again.  or maybe I just stopped for a little bit.

The goodbye

As we pulled up to the house, MLRA got superexcited and unbuckled his seatbelt.  His aunt came to the car to greet him.  My uncle and I grabbed his luggage:  1) a huge dufflebag of clothes; 2) a suitcase of his toys, play computer, favorite books; his towels; his sheets; and 3) his backpack of pictures and coloring books.  MLRA was wearing a winter coat, a goosefeather vest and a winter hat. 

He went willing to his aunt.  She scooped him up and carried him inside the house. My uncle and I followed her in.  Once inside, MLRA started screaming at me, "GO AWAY! DON'T TOUCH ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!".  In a state of mild shock, I waved goodbye to him and my uncle and I walked out.  The house was a mess.  The aunts were rude.  I felt like I was watching my year and a half of hard work going down the drain in a second before my eyes.  I couldn't react.  I went into survival mode which was to shut down my emotions. 

The Denver aunt was there, having flown in for the occasion.  Denver aunt was waiting outside when we walked out. She stood in my way and said, "I want some answers".  I said, okay, let's talk.  She started to insist that we talk later but I demanded to get it over with.  Denver Aunt, Aunt #1 told me that she wanted to know why I was returning him to them.  She said, What do you expect us to do with him now?  Do you realize what kind of bind you have left us in?  Now what?  I explained that MLRA was a different little boy than when he first came to me and that she would see that he was starting to read and was much calmer.  She replied back to me, "I don't give a shit what you think you've done for him.  I don't give a shit how many clothes you bought him.  All I care about right now is what am I going to tell my family when I walk back in there.  They will want to have an explanation as to why we are now in this situation." 

Somewhere in the conversation I said, I don't want you to say thank you but I do want you to acknowledge that it was difficult for me to keep him without any help.  You guys have each other.  I didn't even have one person who would watch him for 5 minutes. 

But Aunt #1/Denver Aunt interrupted me to say that she had forgiven MLRA's dad for killing her cousin.  That she had forgiven him because she came to realize that she was shot in a moment of passion.  I asked her, how can you forgive him and hate me?  She replied, I don't hate you but I do resent you for bringing him back.  ARGH.  I just wanted to finish the conversation and get out of there.  I didn't want a reason to ever talk to them again.  But, I also wanted to leave it clean so I could have a relationship with MLRA. 

We left.  I didn't cry.  I just stared at the air as we drove back the 3 hours to my uncle's house. 

The next morning I texted the Aunt #2 to ask her to say good morning to MLRA for me.  She responded with the following text:  "don't text me anymore, you stress me out too much".  I thought about leaving it alone but decided that I couldn't.  I texted her back- either you let me have a relationship with MLRA and let me talk to him or I will call the police and ask them to go to your house to make sure he is okay.  Well that did it.  I got a call from MLRA.  He said he was fine.  and he was told to tell me he would call back later because he was busy and that was that.  Before he hung up he said that he had a lot of things to tell me but he was being told in the background to hang up.  So, he did.  I was grateful that I heard his tiny voice and that he seemed okay.

Goodbye :(

My Lil RAD Angel had many going away parties:  1) to his therapist (They picked out beads to represent different various memories and made a necklace that he wore all day); 2) his special-ed preschool teacher and classmates made him a book that they laminated with “miss-you” messages; 3) the next door neighbor made a going away party for him and 4) a close friend of mine and her nephews came over for a going away cake and cookies.  I know this was a lot for a little boy.  But, I wanted him to be able to say goodbye to everyone that was important to him.  The next day, the day of our flight he said goodbye to his classmates at the therapeutic daycare.  This was his biggest goodbye-next to me.

My husband gave him his favorite beanie cap.  One that MLRA loved.  He told him he loved him and that he would miss him. 

The four nights before he left, he slept the whole night.  He didn’t talk in his sleep and he slept until I woke him up.  I take that as a sign that he was at peace with going to his brothers.  It made me happy and content.  It made it obvious to me that going to his brothers was what he needed.   He didn’t pee on the floor, nor did he spread his feces all over the bathroom in the last days.  The peeing had become daily occurrences in the last week. 

I was coming to peace with this but… it didn’t stop the tears from flowing.  It was devastating me.  I couldn’t concentrate at work.  I was looking forward to getting it done.   

He picked out his clothes and toys he wanted to take.  I supplemented his pile with educational toys and the rest of his clothes.  He only left a change of clothes and like 10 winter coats.  (Who needs 10 winter coats?  No one really, but people were always giving him clothes and jackets.  He seemed to be happy and content.  Things seemed to be going smoothly.  But, things don’t always go as planned.   

The day of our flight, I went to pick him up from the therapeutic daycare and as I walked up to the door. I was overwhelmed with grief and I couldn’t walk any further.  I broke down.   I lost the strength in my legs and leaned against the rail.  It took me a short while.  I pulled myself together, walked in and broke down again once inside.  The teacher that was in the lobby didn’t talk to me so that I could pull myself together.  I finally did so I walked to the classroom.  MLRA was waiting for me.   He hit himself running around and I was able to concentrate on comforting him and forget about my sorrow. 

The rest of the trip went smoothly. Now that he was with me.  I concentrated on making sure he was okay.  He was fine the whole plane trip.  He was fine on the 3 hour drive to his brothers.  He kept asking me to tickle him and to bite his nose and ears which made him break into giggles.  My uncle was driving so I was able to keep him occupied. 

Then as we pulled up to the house, MLRA saw the house and recognized it and he quickly said.  Mom I don’t have to listen to you anymore.  I don’t have to do what you tell me anymore.  

We had practiced saying goodbye a few times.  Even though I didn’t know what to expect, I never would have imagined what happened next.    

The time has come

I am so heartbroken but also see this more and more as what is supposed to be.  Over the weekend, MLRA had peed on his bed, his pajamas and I soon thereafter discovered that he had also peed on his bed.  Peeing on his bed took some extra effort as he had to take the plastic off the mattress, pee, then put the plastic back on.  I would not have known had I not asked him if he had peed in his room that day.  He said yes and I asked him to show me where.  He showed me how he had pulled the plastic aside, peed then put everything back.  Its very likely he peed in between the floor boards and on the wall also as his room really reeks of pee now. 

Over the weekend Aunt #2 miscarried.  But before we knew, MLRA had asked me to send a text to her:  I miss you a lot and I love you a lot.  My mom has a black car and my dad has a blue car and I am glad you are having a baby. 

As part of his transition, his therapists asked that I write out a journal for his aunt on his favorite foods, special things, and his bedtime and morning routines. 

Favorite breakfast meals:
oatmeal with brown sugar
banana with egg and milk smoothie
banana with peanut butter and milk smoothie
apple with salt
orange juice
waffles
pancakes

Bedtime routine:
brush teeth
go potty
take a bath and practice counting
good night hugs
read 1 or 2 books
say prayers
Wrap him up in a blanket and rock him to sleep.
tuck him in and place his dream catcher near his bed to catch and trap all his bad dreams.

When he is upset
rocking him
holding his hand and taking deep breathes
inhaling some lavendar oil
tear up papers

After school
we go on adventures we dress up and walk around the neighborhood in his costume. 

Sundays:
He cooks with me. He can add help cook dinner.  We use sign language to communicate during this time and I can carry him or he can use the stool to reach the counter. 

He is saying goodbye today to his preschool teacher, his therapist and his regular daycare worker.  Tomorrow he says good bye to his therapeutic daycare provider and all his teachers there.  We fly out and I drive him to his aunt's house.  He has asked that his aunt come out to my car and unbuckle him and take him into the house.  My guess is that he has come to associate car seats with being safe and it may mean that he is ready for the transfer of "care" and that is how what he needs to feel the transition. 

He is super excited that he will go to school with his brothers.  He can hardly wait. 
I think that his excited anticipation is God's gift to me.  Thank you God.  I don't think I would be able to handle the screaming and clinging to my leg type of good bye. 

I am now absolutely positive this is how it is supposed to be.  *Amen*

Time is moving fast and slow at the same time

Well yesterday I got about 10 calls and texts from aunt #1 telling me that I was crazy to send MLRA to aunt #2- that she would move heaven and earth to come for MLRA. I have enough drama trying to put all the pieces together I don't need to deal with aunt #1.  I feel that I have to move on and her indecisiveness and final response to me that she couldn't take him was a more honest response than her crazy tirade-filled texts I was receiving yesterday from her yesterday.  I responded once and said, It is done already.  MLRA is going to your sister.  I received more angry tirades criticizing my decision and wanting to know where I lived so she could come get him.  Ugh.   I guess I made the right decision not to send him to her.  er better she made the right decision by stating that she couldn't take him. and that ended up being the right decision for MLRA. 

Meanwhile aunt #2 said she was excited that she was getting him and she was enrolling him in special ed preschool on Monday and she was super excited.  MLRA asked me to send her a text today that said, "I have missed you a lot, I love you a lot and I can hardly wait to see you.  My mom's car is black, my dad's car is blue and I am happy that you are going to have a baby."

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention she is 6 months pregnant. 

Even though the plan is to take MLRA there for a visit next weekend and bring him back then take him there for good in two weeks, I have a feeling that he will want to stay and I will let him stay rather than pull him away just to bring him back a week later. But, I will know next week.

So, today I treated as his last Saturday with me.  We went to get his haircut, we went to WalMart to cash in his stickers for a toy.  He chose an Angry Bird stuffed animal that would fit in his backback.  We went to dinner and came home and he started packing his clothes and books that he wants to take to his brother's house.  He is super excited now. 

I am sooooo happy. I hope that he will be as happy when he gets there.  For my sake and yes, for his especially.

Part Two: The beginning of the transition...

I sense his deep connection to me.  That is a great accomplishment, I'm told because that separates him from those that continue to have attachment issues.  He is more likely to be able to have normal relationships. 

Last night I had to work late so by the time I got home, my husband had put him bed.  When I got home at 8 pm, I found my husband washing the bathroom down.  MLRA had been upset obviously and had smeared his feces all over the bathroom.   I immediately felt compassion for my husband.  He didn't sign up for this.  We both had come into this situation not knowing MLRA's problems or the extent of them.  It is clear to me now that MLRA's family purposely hid his problems from me in order to not scare me from taking him in the first place.  I have to admit that if I had known I would not have brought him home.  I had no idea that a 3 year old little boy could be so messed up in such a short period of time.  But, MLRA and his brothers are proof of that.  As I have said before, a child alcoholic with FAS inability to control impulses that has been sexually abused and exhibits signs of sexual predator grooming behavior really really freaks me out.  I can deal with FAS inability to control impulses in a 5 year old.  I don’t know that I can deal with a pre-teen alcoholic with inability to control impulses. 

But, I digress…

This morning, MLRA greeted me with Good Morning today is going to be a wonderful day!  He proceeded to tell me that he hadn’t eaten dinner because he missed me and he wanted to have dinner with me like he always does so he hadn’t wanted to eat with my husband.  My husband had told me that he had not wanted to eat pizza and had only taken one bite of his slice of pizza before he said he was done.  He came and hugged me and said, I missed you.  Will you be home tonight for dinner.  I confirmed that yes I would be.  I don’t recall missing dinner before but obviously he was expecting it.  I hadn’t had a chance to tell him myself I wouldn’t be home for dinner. 

Last week, I started preparing MLRA for a visit with his brothers.  His therapists and I have devised a plan to transition MLRA back to his family.  Next weekend he will spend one night with them and then the following month two nights, all the while getting him to express his feelings through play therapy.  So, I told MLRA that he would be going to visit his brothers. 

I expected him to be happy about the visit but instead he started sobbing.  He asked me if I was sending him away.  He begged me and hung onto me to please not send him away that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever.  It broke my heart.  It took me about a half hour to calm him down.  I assured him he would come back from the visit.  But, it left me wondering how was I going to tell him when he really left for good. 

Then on Tuesday, when I dropped him off at his therapeutic daycare, I was told that they were closing in less than a month forever due to funding shortages.  I was stunned. 

In Shock.

There was no way that I could keep MLRA after the daycare closed.  No daycare would take him.  He has already gone through 3 or 4 and that was for the limited time of an hour every day.  His behaviour is such that he is not ready for normal daycares.  My next door neighbor hasn't answered my texts since the incident in September.  She was my only babysitter.  So, unless I quit my job, I no longer have the resources to keep him PAST the end of November.  

I was urged to move up the transition date by his social worker and therapists so that he could still have services up until the day that he went to his aunt.  So, he could have help transitioning. 

I couldn’t sleep that night.  Visions of him screaming trying to hold onto me kept me awake for hours.  

I overheard him talking to my husband.  MLRA told my husband, “ I am going to go see my brothers with mom. Are you gong to miss me?”  My husband meekly said yes.  Then MLRA said, “don’t worry dad, I’m coming back!”.  

But, this morning, as we are eating breakfast, MLRA surprises me by saying, “Mom, I have an idea, why don’t I go visit my brothers then come back to you, then stay with you for a long time, then go to my brothers for a long time.”  I said, yes, that sounds like a good idea.  I asked him if he was excited to see his brothers and he said, yes, Mom, they have yummy cereal.  I laughed and thought to myself… he must feel deprived since we limit his sugar intake.  But, I sense some hope of a smoother transition. 

Maybe this is what is supposed to happen for him.  

The beginning of the transition...

The first choice fell through.  Choice #1 SAID she wanted him but then wouldn't work with me on a plan.  She first stated that she needed to get a house, a job and a car.  I waited.  She called and said, I have the house now I just need a car and a job.  I waited.  Nothing.  I checked in with her.  She replied I have a car now just need a job.  I made a remark like I wish I could get a house and a car without a job.  She replied,  well i have a job growing marijuana for medicinal purposes but I think I need a different job to take MLRA.  I thought to myself, YEAH.  But I then received a text saying, I can't take him after all.  Do what you have to do. 

I saw improvement in MLRA so I stalled.  Then MLRA peed on his pillow, his blanket and his pajamas.  I am amazed at the trouble he goes to in order to pee anywhere but in the toilet.  He had just gone potty so he couldn't have had that much in him but yet he did.  He had to have pulled his pillow off of his bed, taken his blanket off the bed and arranged them on the floor along with his pajamas.  Then pee on them. 

I tried to hide it from my husband.  I didn't want him to have another heart attack.  He usually leaves these things to me because he does not have the patience or know how to deal with him.  But, he found out soon enough when MLRA started yelling, I have cleaned up my pee Mom!  Can I play on my computer now? 

My husband soon thereafter asked me to tell him when this was going to be over.... I can be very stubborn but I have had to also realize that MLRA's actions do not only affect me but my husband and family as well.  So, with that in mind, I re-connected with Aunt #2.  She immediately responded and said, My heart and home will always be open to MLRA.  I love him and will always love him. 

With that, I finally felt relief and also fear that the plan was starting to move forward.  I began to be more aware of the little positive things that MLRA did or does.  Sometimes, on rare occasions, he will wake up in the morning and bring me my slippers so my feet won't be cold on touching the floor.  He always wakes up happy and I've taught him to say Good Morning, today is going to be a good day!  Which he now says daily.  He is constantly following me around the house like my little shadow.  He tells he loves me quite a few times a day.  He has to brush his teeth with me and he has to have breakfast with me.  I am frustrated most mornings getting him to brush his teeth but when he is brushing his teeth, he is pretty happy and singing. 

Sense of Guilt and Helplessness

MLRA has had two aunts that have responded to taking him in.  Unfortunately, one aunt (which was my first choice) has decided against taking him.  The reason she was my first choice was because she was very close to MLRA's mother.  This aunt, aunt #1, lives in a big city that has more resources for MLRA than where he is now here with me.  There is a therapeutic daycare with child psychologists on staff and a special ed preschool and kindergarten housed in the same facilites.  PERFECT.  Except that the aunt grows medicinal marijuana as a "job".  She was looking for another job in order to take MLRA but has since decided that she can't take him after all. 

Choice #2:  The other aunt.  The other aunt has MLRA's two other brothers, whom she has adopted.  I talked a little about their challenges in an earlier post.  She has been unrelenting in her desire to take MLRA if I can't anymore.  So, this is where MLRA will go. 

Now that that is decided.  I'm left with dealing with the transition and the undeniable depression that will descend upon me.  I have made MLRA my entire life.  My schedule has revolved around him and his needs for a year and a half.  I envision myself sleeping for days (good) but I also evision rocking myself to sleep in his room crying uncontrollably (sad).  Tearfully and depressively sad. 

IN the weeks and months since I've made the decision, I have seen some improvement in MLRA.  Some that gave me hope.  Hope that maybe he could be normal or that my family and I had adapted to him and him to us.  He is learning consequences.  He has started sounding out words to name the letter it starts with.  He hasn't threatened to kill anyone.  The worst he has told his special ed teachers has yell at his teachers to shut up.  Okay, see that is considered progress but any normal parent with a normal child would probably be upset to know their child is yelling at teachers to shut up.  But, again, last night, he was upset that he went on timeout and he decided to pee on his pillow and on the floor of his room.  I maintained an illusion of calm but I had to leave in order to calm myself down.  I was gone for 3 or 4 hours from home- wandering the malls, afraid to go home and afraid to not.

I understand that MLRA will be better off with me and my husband and has a better chance of becoming a functioning member of society.  HOWEVER, I also understand that MLRA's mental health well being will come at the sacrifice of my health (physical and mental) most likely.  And that is where I have to choose life. 

Deuteronomy 30:19  I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. 

My friends and families won't judge me or criticize me for they know me and they are the ones that have encouraged me to let go.  But, I am and will be my harshest critic.  If MLRA ends up accomplishing anything less than college graduation, I will blame myself.  For that, I must be prepared to look in the mirror and say, Dear, you did everything you could.  You literally did everything you could for him.  You could do no more.  I will need to repeat it until the tears stop flowing. 

Clarity

Although I have made the decision to transition MLRA to one of his closer family members, I have been a wreck lately.  I cry at the simplest gestures of kindness.  My emotions are raw.  But, in all that emotional turmoil I have opened up my heart more to MLRA knowing that he is not going to be with me.  I wonder if his family member will remember to read him a bedtime story and know how important it has become to him to sit down and share stories about his day at dinner time.  I wonder if his aunt will give him "magic water" for the hiccups and "magic ice" to make his bruises and bumps go away.  It is not easy.  I have had doubts.  I am looking for signs everywhere and in everything.  I have started sleeping in his room to get the last few bits of closeness to him.  I feel the guilt and uncertainty that I'm doing the right thing.  Yet, I come back to my family and how they have asked me to let him go.  My family- my immediate family- the ones that always sit back and support me no matter what.  The ones that never criticize me or judge me.  In my heart I know that I need to let him go because my health- emotional and physical- has started to suffer. 

But, this weekend, I prayed about it and I've been talking about it and what I keep hearing louder and clearer is that he needs more than just me.  He needs more people loving him.  I can't do it on my own.  My husband has been supportive but he has limits.  I have to accept that I have limits too.  Its a hard thing for me to accept as I'm used to finding solutions and making them happen.  The solution I see here with MLRA is that I can't do it alone.  I don't have any respite help.  I used to have my neighbor lady, until this weekend. 

My neighbor is a stay at home mom who was a foster child herself.  She has four children of her own.  She is married and homeschools her children.  She has the patience of an angel.  She is the only person that can take MLRA when me and my husband need a break.  Her four children get along with him for the most part.  Her two older are jealous of him because he doesn't share the same consequences to actions as her children ... I think because she feels sorry for him or maybe she is just knows he needs more patience.  Her 3 year old little girl loves him but I worry more than my neighbor about MLRA playing with her.  MLRA has sex predator grooming behaviors- although he "grooms" young teenagers and young women more than children.  But, my neighbor also claims that she has never seen anything but sweetness from him. 

Well I also feel like my neighbor has been somewhat judgemental about my decision to transition MLRA back to his family.  She has asked me to quit my job and become a stay-at-home mom to provide a better life for MLRA.  She has also taken some liberties like buying MLRA a bike and keeping it at her house since I get the feeling she thinks my husband and I are too strict with him.  But, she is my only respite so I have been more lenient than I would normally.  Its a trade-off. 

Sunday she asked if she could take him for the day.  I agreed.  She came by to get him around noon.  MLRA loves going there and he practically leaped out the door.  I think MLRA misses being around other children also.  So, all in all I see it as positive for all of us. 

But, a couple of hours after she picked him up, she texted me in a panic, asking if MLRA's morning was hard?  I responded no and picked up the phone to call her.  She answered... her voice was stressed and she sounded like she had been crying.  This is the story she relayed to me:

She and her family had decided to take MLRA to have dinner with her parents.  A 3-4 hour round trip.  Not even a half hour into the ride, MLRA started flipping out.  He started yelling and screaming that he was going to chop up her 2 year old baby with a knife and feed it to the dogs, that he was going to kill her kids - naming them each.  That he hated her and her husband.  She said they had to stop to try to calm him down.  That MLRA once out of the car, tried to run into the traffic.  She stopped him but MLRA started yelling that he was going to cause a car accident and get them all in trouble for not keeping him safe.  That he was going to beat himself up and tell the police that they beat him up so they could get arrested and go to jail.  Apparently the husband lost it and started yelling at MLRA that he wasn't going to put up with MLRA disrespecting his family and that he needed to stop.  MLRA yelled at him, that he could say whatever he wanted and that no one was going to tell him to stop.  And he continued yelling that he was going to kill all of them.  The family had to stop one more time to try to calm him down.  Evidently according to the neighbor it was so bad that her husband contemplated calling the police.  I asked her if he was okay, she said yes.  But, what should we have done she asked.  I said, if he's hurting himself or others, I have to restrain him... otherwise, I try to either let him get it out or if he lets me, I hug him to calmness.  I asked her if she needed me to go get him.  She said no, but she said, his eyes were rolling around in different directions and that he was talking like he was a different person.  I said yesm he does that.  She asked me is this something you deal with.  I said yes, but I haven't had to restrain him since December or January.  But, his yelling and saying he's going to kill us, yes, last time was two weeks ago.  She kept repeating, I've never seen him like this. 

She asked if I knew when he was going to transition.  I said, we haven't figured out the exact date but soon.  She said, does the aunt have kids.  I said no.  She said good.  She then said, I felt like he was possessed and that there was just pure evil in him.  I said yep.  She said, I had no idea.   In that moment, i realized I had lost my only respite care that I had.  It became clear that for sure I was alone and I certainly couldn't do it alone. 

I have to keep telling myself that he is in God's hands and that I am human and can only do so much.

Stuck stuck stuck

MLRA's legal guardianship was set up in a different state -State #1 than where we live-State #2.  Now, that I'm trying to terminate the guardianship, I'm facing a jurisdictional mess.  My attorney in State #1 says it is easier to terminate guardianship in State #2, where we live.  My attorney in State #2 say that it can be done here but it will be up to the State to decide that.  He advised me to call the State's CPS department and talk to them.  I did and they say no can't do it here, needs to be done in State #1. 

Meanwhile, MLRA is being vocal about having "wet dreams" of his female teachers.  Its creeping me out.  He relays to them that he dreams of lying down with them, that they are pretty and that he is kissing them. 

My 13 year old niece that spent part of her summer with us put it into perspective.  One day, she told me that she wished she could walk around in a bubble so MLRA couldn't touch her and if he tried - the bubble would zap him. 

There is nothing creepier than raising a child alcoholic, with no impulse control (because of FAS) that is sexually aware and doesn't learn from his mistakes. 

Next step

I met with MLRA's therapist on Friday.  Horrible news: He is not securely attached.  Therapist is worried about MLRA's ability to get better and also worried about my and my husband's mental health if we continue to parent MLRA, without additional manpower.  Also suggested bringing in another therapist solely for re-triggering his brain on the sexual stuff.  Therapist wanted me to understand that MLRA won't be better in 1, 2 or even 3 years.  It could take 5 or 6 years.  He is for all intents and purposes a 4 year old alcoholic dealing with triggers and a physical need for alcohol.  He is manipulative and needs to be watched around children to assure he doesn't molest other children, even those older than him because of his advanced knowledge of sex. 

I explained to her that I was done and wanted to transition him into another living situation.  The therapist said that the choices are:  1) placing him in the foster care system.  2) sending him back to his family; 3) institutionalizing him. 

Option 1:  there is no guarantee of the type of foster parents he will get or that they will be dedicated to his healing. Nor that they will be a permanent placement.

Option 2:  he will be with his siblings but not an ideal situation since his 6 year old brother was molesting his 5 year old brother.  And his 5 year old brother bit the ear off the family dog last month and found pleasure in it.  The 5 year old therapist is also recommending he be institutionalized.

Option 3:  the therapist will research and let me know what that means for him. 

More pee

His night routine is as follows:  dinner; brush teeth; sit on toilet to try to go; then bath.  After bath, put on nighttime diaper; pajamas; say goodnight to whoever is home; read a book or two; prayers and get rocked to sleep or if I'm tired, I will just lay next to him for a song.

Tonight, when I went in to get him ready for his bath, i noticed he had peed on the floor.  I have gotten lots of advice about how to handle different behaviour from his therapist.  When he first started peeing on the floor, she told me to calmly tell him to clean it up and then move on.  It worked that time and I think after that it happened one more time or maybe twice.  One time he got his feces and he spread it on the wall and all over the rugs and bathrooms.  I used the same strategy.  I told him to clean it and walked away until he was done.  He didn't do that again with his feces. 

So, I told him to clean the pee today off the floor and he started crying that I had slapped him.  I said, I didn't slap you.  He cried that I had hurt him.  So, I walked away but it was non stop screaming that he was hurt and that he couldn't clean up the pee cuz his arm hurt.  It took about a 45 minutes of screaming before he finally cleaned up the pee.  I then put him in the shower and he continued crying that the water was cold.  It was on the hot side of warm.  I let him wash himself and then I got him out.  I was in a hurry to put him to bed and end the ordeal that now had been going on over an hour.  I didn't give him time to dry himself completely but instead hurried and put his pajamas on him.  He was crying hysterically that he needed to dry himself off. 

ARGH.  I said good night. 

I'm done.

This weekend was especially hard

I am feeling the stress and pressure.  I no longer have the patience to deal with MLRA. I notice it in myself and my husband has noticed it.  I feel that I'm done. 

This past Saturday, our little family went on a small roadtrip to visit relatives.  Once at our relative's home, MA went on timeout for I don't remember why to be honest.  So, my husband took him out to the car for timeout and one of my relatives went outside with my husband.  While they were out there, a girl walked by the vehicle and MLRA noticed her.  He told my husband, Dad, she is pretty, why don't you leave Mom and marry her so she can become my new mom?  On the way home, MLRA told me two or three times, that I needed a new face because he didn't like my face.  A benign comment but together with all his other behavior was wearing on me. 

On Sunday, my husband was very impatient with him and his behaviors so I decided to take MLRA to WalMart to select a toy.  He gets stickers for good behavior, the behavior we are currently working on is not saying, "I'm going to f(&k you in the a$$" to his teachers.  So, he gets a sticker everyday that he uses kind words at school and on the van ride home.  He has stopped saying it because he LOVES stickers.  When he earns 20 stickers he can pick out a toy at WalMart, his favorite store. 

At WalMart he was fine.  He had fun picking out what he was going to buy.  He was so good, that I thought I would take him to run errands with me.  However, we didn't last 5 minutes in the first store because he started acting out.  So, I called my husband to tell him, I was dropping him off and that I had to finish errands alone.  I dropped him off and I left to go to run errands. 

I called a half hour later to see how things were going and my husband said that he had started kicking himself and started trying to pull his eyeballs out so he gave him a shower to calm down.  MLRA didn't like the shower and went into a rage and started splashing water angrily around and screaming.  So, my husband told him that he would let him take a nap to calm down.  MLRA agreed.  He lay down for a nap after a little bit of fussing but eventually did fall asleep. 

I chose to stay away a little bit longer to destress. 

When I got home, I was mentally in a better place to deal with MLRA.  But, after dinner, I was watching television and MLRA climbed up on the chair with me and immediately cupped my breasts.  I pushed him away and he said to me, "Mom are you upset because I touched your private parts?"  I told him, "you do not touch other people's private parts".  He smiled at me and said, I can only touch mine right?  I said yes.  and he said, laughing but I touched yours mom.  Are you upset with me? 

ARGH!  I have a 13 year old niece that is developing and she is staying with us for part of her summer vacation and I feel that I have to protect her from him.  I think I've had it when I can't have family over for fear of what he will do to them.  

I get feedback by email and I welcome any feedback!!!!  Please!! 

Sexual contact

I would like to think that M is past his worst behavior BUT, if there is one thing that sets me off, its his sexual behavior.  I can chalk some of it up like he doesn't know better.  When he first came to live with us, it was a lot of humping and grinding with hugs.  But, that has gone away.  What remains is his intense interest in women's breasts.  At first, he would ask to be picked up and carried by women, any woman, and then he will constantly and often rub himself against her breasts.  He would ask that if he could touch my private parts and when I said no, he would ask if he could watch me touch my private parts.  This has been the most difficult. 

So, yesterday, as we are walking to a restaurant, he asked if I would carry him because he was tired.  I did.  And as we walked into the restaurant, he took both his hands and cupped my breast and was about to put my breast in his mouth.  My gut reaction was to slap him.  I quickly put him down.  I couldn't deal with it. So I handed him over to my husband and let my husband deal with him for the rest of the night. 

Warped view of the (in)justices of Consequences

It's been a couple of months since MLRA "confessed" that he thought he had killed his mom.  He continues to attend 2 hours of play therapy a week and 4 1/2 days at a therapeutic daycare.  It will be a year that he has been attending the therapeutic daycare in a couple of weeks.  He has made great improvements but... he still has a ways to go as is evident in last nights conversation with him.


Last night for bedtime, M picked out a book on death and grief. He has a couple of children's books dealing with the death and loss of a pet, a loved one, . Anyhow, so along the way, the pages ask questions, like how did you feel when you lost someone important.

M said, I know someone that died. I said yes. He says, my mom. But, she is not in heaven. I said, where do you think she is? He says, she is in jail with my dad. Then he went into detail relaying the following:

I heard those noises when I was sleeping and I asked my dad what it was and he said it was the wind, but I knew it wasn't the wind, it was my mom. She was walking outside in the grass. Then she came and pounded on the door and then she grabbed my head and my dad grabbed my legs and they started pulling me.  Each of them wanted me to live with them.  The police arrested both of them for hurting me.

I said no, your dad hurt your mom and he had to go to jail. Mom "is court the same as jail?"  I said not exactly. (sometimes, when I got to work, I say I'm going to court-since i work with the courts).  So I said, no, court is where you go and the judge tells you how long you will be in jail for. He said, did the judge let my dad keep his clothes. I said no. Your dad has to wear a uniform. Why? Because all people in jail have to wear the same clothes. Did the judge throw away my dad's clothes. I don't know. Mom, that's not very nice of the judge to throw away my dad's clothes.

Son, your dad hurt your mom so he has to stay in jail until he learns to be nice to people. Mom, my dad has been gone for a long time already, when he gets out of jail, he's going to come get me and I'm going to go live with him. Then when my dad goes back to jail, will you go pick me up again?

Son, you will always be here with me. Mom, but if my dad tells my mom he's sorry for hurting her, she will say, that's okay and then he doesn't have to go to jail. Son, he hurt your mom very bad and she can't say its okay, because its not okay.

Mom, but I killed my mom. My dad got me a gun and he told me to push the button but I pretended to push the button so I wouldn't hurt my mom. And I still hurt my mom and she died. No, son you didn't hurt your mom. You pretended to hurt her but your dad shot and killed your mom when you were not there. No Mom, I pushed the button but I didn’t want to kill her so I pretended. Then my mom died. Your dad shot your mom son not you. But, MOM, my dad is bad because he killed my mom. Son, your dad made a bad choice of hurting your mom but he isn't a bad man. Mom, I love my new dad he doesn't kill people.

Mom, I'm not MLRA, I'm my dad and I shot and killed my mom. Son, you are MLRA and you are a good little boy that is nice to people and you are safe here and no one is going to hurt you.

 Mom: Can you rock me until morning?

Somewhere along the way, he also said does my dad have to eat white rice? I said I don't know. He said, can he go to mcdonald's? I said, no he can't go to mcdonalds. But why doesn't the judge go get him mcdonalds and bring him some?

This conversation lasted about 1/2 an hour.

So sad.  He has been in our care for a year. 

Breakthrough

Today I got a call from MLRA's therapist.  Remember he goes to a therapy daycare AND he has a child play therapist that sees him twice a week.  Well today I got a call that there was an especially intense session. 

He apparently revealed that he was the one that shot his mom.  He thinks that when his dad gave him the gun and told him to shoot his mom, that he did shoot her and kill her.  He thinks he killed his mom and that is the the reason she died.  The therapist said that she had to keep repeating that he did not kill his mom that his dad did.  MLRA apparently wouldn't buy it.  He really thinks that he killed her.  The therapist says that he has Over identified with his dad and he really believes that he is the one responsible. 

Now that this is out.  Therapist said, he could do a lot of acting out OR he could have a lot of built up energy now that he is "relieved" of that guilt and burden.