Goodbye :(

My Lil RAD Angel had many going away parties:  1) to his therapist (They picked out beads to represent different various memories and made a necklace that he wore all day); 2) his special-ed preschool teacher and classmates made him a book that they laminated with “miss-you” messages; 3) the next door neighbor made a going away party for him and 4) a close friend of mine and her nephews came over for a going away cake and cookies.  I know this was a lot for a little boy.  But, I wanted him to be able to say goodbye to everyone that was important to him.  The next day, the day of our flight he said goodbye to his classmates at the therapeutic daycare.  This was his biggest goodbye-next to me.

My husband gave him his favorite beanie cap.  One that MLRA loved.  He told him he loved him and that he would miss him. 

The four nights before he left, he slept the whole night.  He didn’t talk in his sleep and he slept until I woke him up.  I take that as a sign that he was at peace with going to his brothers.  It made me happy and content.  It made it obvious to me that going to his brothers was what he needed.   He didn’t pee on the floor, nor did he spread his feces all over the bathroom in the last days.  The peeing had become daily occurrences in the last week. 

I was coming to peace with this but… it didn’t stop the tears from flowing.  It was devastating me.  I couldn’t concentrate at work.  I was looking forward to getting it done.   

He picked out his clothes and toys he wanted to take.  I supplemented his pile with educational toys and the rest of his clothes.  He only left a change of clothes and like 10 winter coats.  (Who needs 10 winter coats?  No one really, but people were always giving him clothes and jackets.  He seemed to be happy and content.  Things seemed to be going smoothly.  But, things don’t always go as planned.   

The day of our flight, I went to pick him up from the therapeutic daycare and as I walked up to the door. I was overwhelmed with grief and I couldn’t walk any further.  I broke down.   I lost the strength in my legs and leaned against the rail.  It took me a short while.  I pulled myself together, walked in and broke down again once inside.  The teacher that was in the lobby didn’t talk to me so that I could pull myself together.  I finally did so I walked to the classroom.  MLRA was waiting for me.   He hit himself running around and I was able to concentrate on comforting him and forget about my sorrow. 

The rest of the trip went smoothly. Now that he was with me.  I concentrated on making sure he was okay.  He was fine the whole plane trip.  He was fine on the 3 hour drive to his brothers.  He kept asking me to tickle him and to bite his nose and ears which made him break into giggles.  My uncle was driving so I was able to keep him occupied. 

Then as we pulled up to the house, MLRA saw the house and recognized it and he quickly said.  Mom I don’t have to listen to you anymore.  I don’t have to do what you tell me anymore.  

We had practiced saying goodbye a few times.  Even though I didn’t know what to expect, I never would have imagined what happened next.