Transformation

it has now been at least a week since M has had a meltdown.  No angry outbursts and no out of control rages.  He hasn't peed anywhere but the toilet for the last week and he hasn't run in front of moving cars for about a week.  He is calm enough that he has been able to watch a cartoon from start to finish without incident. 

It hasn't been totally easy but he is so calm and I see a lot less rage.  :)

Wearing

M refused to go on timeout instead was kicking the chairs with his bare feet and trying to pull out his eyes by sticking his fingers in his eyes and trying to force them out.   I restrained him and it took about 45 minutes before he calmed down to where i could let him go.  He kept yelling at me STOP TELLING ME THAT YOU LOVE ME!!!! which is what I tell him to try to explain the restraint and that I am holding him in a restraint so that he doesn't hurt himself and that I will let him go once his body is calm. 

but when I let him go, he started kicking and screaming again in a brand new fury.  Then he started punching the wall.  So, again I restrained him and I asked him to calm down or he wouldn't get to eat dinner with us.  I calmed him down so he wasn't hurting himself anymore but he continued to hit the door.  I reminded him that he needed to calm down or he would not eat with the rest of us and he would need to eat by himself.  He got upset and started throwing his toys at me and everywhere in general.  I told him that he wasn't going to eat with us but he could come eat when he was calm.  he would be eating by himself.  He got even more upset.  Needless to say he ended up so angry that when he took his bath for the night he was throwing all the water onto the floor and still yelling at me.  I drained the water until he calmed down then i filled it back up when he was calm. 

Back home

I had to leave on a family emergency out of the country.  Because MLRA doesn't have a passport I couldn't take him.  so, i left him with my husband.  I left on a Saturday and by Tuesday my husband called to say he couldn't handle him anymore.  My husband felt he was going to lose control.  So, i asked a family member if they could take M until I got back.  M went with my family member for 4 days.  I called M twice.  The first time he told me that he didn't want to come home.  I said yes, you're gonna come home soon. he hung up on me.  The second time, he said, I don't know who you are- I don't know you.  (even after he was told who i was) he then hung up on me.  I feared that i was gonna have to start from the beginning ALL OVER AGAIN.  & i don't have the patience for it anymore.

while he was at my family member's, he took off running outside and ended up between two wheels of a tractor before the driver saw him.  He was scolded.  He got upset because he was scolded and he took off running again, this time into the middle of the street.  A car screeched to a halt to avoid hitting him.  Unfortunately, he doesn't really appreciate danger.  I believe because of the Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  So, this will continue to happen. 

As far as being home, I had to restrain him today because he started kicking me when I put him on timeout.  He has been babbling more than I remember.  He talks a language I don't understand and it seems he's detached from reality.  I hadn't noticed the frequency or maybe it is more frequent.  I just don't know.  its scary though. 

mild Down's Syndrome or severe Fetal Alcohol Syndrome

I've come to my own conclusion that MLRA doesn't have Down's Syndrome after all.  But that he has severe Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  M is still waiting for an assessment at the university for Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  I have compared his behavior and facial features with other children that do have Down's Syndrome and it doesn't fit.  So, I will await the university assessment BUT I posted a video about Fetal Alcohol Syndrome that seems to fit M. 

I've also attached a video about a Reactive Attachment Child named Beth.  HBO did a series on her.  Check it out. 

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome -- The Biological Basis / FAS FASD Video

History Part Two

MLRA's maternal grandmother is also an alcoholic.  She had M's mother when she was 15.  but, she didn't raise M's mom.  M's great-grandmother raised M's mom. 

by the time that M turned 3, his grandmother had already served time for drugs, and was under surveillance by the federal DEA.  A month after M turned 3, his grandmother and her young boyfriend sold some meth to a man.  The drug deal went bad for some unknown reason and the drug buyer shot and killed the boyfriend, then beat M's grandmother... knocked out her teeth, broke two or three ribs and then stole her car and drove it into a nearby river.  She crawled to a nearby farmhouse and called the police, lied and said she had picked up a hitchhiker.  But, she had been under surveillance so the truth was already known.

HOPeFul7

Last night, while i was rocking my 6 month old/ 4 year old.  i say 6 month old because at night time he becomes a tiny baby.  he stops talking and converts to baby talk.  he then needs to be swaddled and rocked to sleep with a bottle.  this appears to me to be about an infant - 6 month old type of behavior.  Anyhow, in the middle of the rocking, he started crying (and not the normal fake crying) - although there were still no tears.  But, that seemed more like it was a result of him trying hard to not cry.  He was angry and sad at the same time.  He said he missed him mom, and that he wished that she hadn't gotten hurt and gone away.  I kept rocking him, telling him that i loved him and that he belonged here. He wasn't violent, just crying and trying not to cry.  I told him it was okay to cry.  He quieted down after about 5 or 10 minutes.  then he fell asleep while i rocked him.  He didn't get up the whole night.  Normally he gets up at around 12:30 am then again around 4:30 am and needs to be either rocked or his back needs to be massaged so he can fall asleep. 

I'm hoping this is the beginning of something different. 

F*$king B1t$h

yesterday, M had to be restrained at therapeutic daycare for 5 to 7 minutes because he was out of control.  He was yelling F b!t$hes to the teachers and staff; kicking, screaming and biting, throwing train tracks at the other kids too.  What set him off?  It was his turn to go potty.  the kids were in line to go potty and it was his turn.  So the staff person told him he was next and M lost it. 

History Part One

So, i will try to explain M's background.  He was born to a mother that was an alcoholic.  His father was a cocaine dealer.  Both parents used coke and meth. 

M has 14 siblings from his mom.  His mother was 32 when she was killed.  She had already had 14 kids-all single births by that time.  None of the children were living with her at the time of her death.  All 14 children had different fathers. 

M's mom was a grandmother when she passed away. 

M's dad had other children - at least 3 so M has at least 17 brothers and sisters.  All half-siblings as his mom and dad only had M together.

I should say, I don't have any first hand knowledge of this stuff.  I have only been told the story by her immediate family.  But, I don't doubt that any of this is untrue. 

Better to laugh than to die sad

Cuando hay buena voluntad sí señor, el camino se endereza
Pués el alma sabe más de lo que hay en la cabeza
Y yo prefiero reir que morirme de tristeza Marco Antonio Solis

Ever since MLRA (M for short), has come into my life, i have not felt like doing things that I like or that made me happy.  Today, I woke up with a renewed life.  In spite of all the struggles and troubles.  (I have just spent about an hour holding M in a cradle restraint to keep him from hurting himself -biting himself; punching the door and kicking the chair barefoot and then during the cradle he told me that he wasn't M that he was his brother with a gun and that his brother has a gun and he's going to shoot me in the eye and the face);

It is in these moments that I want to remember the lighter side of life. 

I hope that when all is said and done that I will have made a positive difference in M's life and that I have come out fine as well.

The greatest effort is not concerned with results. Buddhist saying

This morning I contemplated MLRA's behavior and I decided no matter what, I would be calm and deflect his negative energy.  So, when he started yelling and screaming bloody murder because I touched him to wash his face, when he told me he didn't want me standing next to him as he ate his cereal.  I practiced deflecting and concentrated on the task at hand.  Remaining calm and not letting the negative energy penetrate me.  I had to.  I had to teach a "class" to judges.  I did not want to walk in overwhelmed and tired and defeated.  It worked today. 

Challenge

I strongly believe that M is in my life for a reason.  I didn't have to fill out any applications or go through any extensive process.  He came to me (and my husband) with little more than a conversation.  I consider myself a spiritual person.  I was raised Catholic, attended a Jesuit university for college, studied Islam and Bahai.  I respect most religions and try to learn from other perspectives.  So, I'm going to try to apply what I've learned and continue to learn to this experience of raising My Lil RAD Angel.  Now, that doesn't mean that we have decided to keep MLRA forever.  It just means, that I want to make the best of the situation and I'm willing to utilize it as a chance to apply all I have ever learned about God, Diosito, Allah, Jesus, Bahá'u'lláh, the Buddha and other great spiritual leaders.  I am open to the idea that I am to learn something from this experience.  I am open to the idea that this journey may take me to a point where I must let MLRA go or that I meant to raise him to adulthood. 

Biting

So, today at his therapeutic daycare, he saw a child that had a teether so he started biting himself.  It took about 5 minutes for them to calm him down before he stopped biting himself.  WTF!

M's new song he made up today

On the way to a friend's home today, he made up a song, it goes something like this:

I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. 
I can go outside whenever I want.
I can break my toys if I want.
I can get a gun and kill whoever I want.
I can get a sword and chop up whoever I want. 

Foreshadowing

So, his sister 11yo and his other brother 10 yo (that are living with their biological father in another state) have the same behavior: peeing around the house, defiant, angry and bully other kids, obsession with guns, inappropriate knowledge of sex, lying, stealing.  Well they have gone as far as to tell their father that if he doesn't do whatever they want, they will lie and say that he is molesting them.  needless to say the father called the police to report the threats with hopes they would investigate and "clear him".  but CPS was called and the children were taken away.  The children were laughing as their dad packed their stuff. 

worse, the CPS worker told the father that he had never seen such messed up kids in his life. 

What kind of life did these children live?  Will they ever heal?  I realize that the only one with hope is my lil angel, but is it idealistic to think that i can make a difference?

this is all very disturbing. 


is this a sign of things to come?

Trip to Boise

ARGH!

On the way, to the airport, (it’s a 3 hour drive) I asked him to stop throwing his glasses around in the car.  He threw the glasses and he couldn’t reach them so he asked me to get them for him.  I said no, I told you not to throw them and you kept throwing them so they stay there until we get to the airport.  He said, I have to go potty.  I asked him are you lying to me. he was quiet then he said mom, I don’t have to go.  Then he asked again for me to get his glasses, I said no.  then he said, I’m going to take my seat belt off.  I said, I will stop the car if you take your seatbelt off.  He got a smile on his face and he took his seat belt off.  I said put your seatbelt back on or I’m going to stop and if I stop I’m going to take away your glasses.  He laughed and I stopped the car and he started ran and got his sunglasses and sat back down on his car seat and said, I have my seatbelt on now mom.  I took away his sunglasses.  He just stared at me then he started yelling that he wanted to go back to his godmother’s.  I told him that I needed for him to call himself down or I would have to help him (restrain).  He calmed down for a bit. 

Then when my tio joined us to drop us off at the airport, it went something like this: He started telling my uncle on the drive to the airport how awful I was, how I bought him toys then took them away, how I put him on timeout at gas stations, and how I scared him when I stopped the car “in the middle of the freeway” and he thought he was going to crash.  How I was always putting him on timeout and throwing away his toys.  My uncle answered, so what did you do?  He says nothing, my mom is mean and I don’t want to live with her and I want you to call the cops and arrest her.  Ah, if I hadn’t just started my period, I would have not been so pissed.  My uncle was fine, but I thought to myself.  I sound awful.  When we got to the airport, I was quiet and I told him to use inside voice, so he started yelling, MOM, WHY DON’T YOU WANT ME TO TALK?  ARE YOU MAD AT ME MOM?  I LOVE YOU MOM! while looking like a poor innocent child.  

On the airplane, he kept pushing the limit.  I had asked him to speak in inside voice on the plane.  Every once in a while, he would yell, MOM I LOVE YOU, WHY DON”T YOU WANT ME TO TALK?  IS IT OKAY IF I USE MY OUTSIDE VOICE MOM, MOM? MOM!ll WHY YOU NOT TALKING TO ME MOM?  ARE YOU MAD AT ME?  WHY YOU MAD AT ME MOM?

Questions

today I was asked by my "son's" therapist if she could do a psychological exam on my 3 soon to be 4 year old.  I wondered, uh, could this be the beginning of the healing or the beginning of another worse diagnosis or the same-same?  I am caring for my great nephew whose mother was killed by her husband.  The mother is my niece.  Except I didn't really know her because of a long story but suffice it to say that I did know she existed but I had never met her.  Well, she was obviously a bad mother.  She probably didn't have anyone in her life to model what a good mother looks like either though.  She was my brother's daughter born of an extra-marital affair.  Its funny how my brother's actions 30 years ago, have impacted my life so drastically today. 
This little three year old is angry, traumatized from watching severe domestic violence, from witnessing horrific cruel acts, may have been sexually abused himself.  He is violent.  He is out of control with anger at times.  He was neglected.  He was left alone for days and weeks at a time. 
It's hard to imagine what horrors he has witnessed.  but, it's not my fault.  I know that sounds stupid but frankly i wonder how I ended up with this task of raising him.  sometimes, rarely it feels like a blessing.  Most times, especially lately it feels like a burden. 

He most likely has Reactive Attachment Disorder.  He suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  He may also have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  He could also have a mild form of Down's Syndrome.  I didn't know there was such a thing.  I didn't know what Reactive Attachment Disorder was until a month after we brought him home. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I'm also feeling responsible.  I'm also exhausted and tired.