I was emotionally exhausted yesterday that I felt like a zombie walking around I'm grateful for my awesome assistant that stepped up and held it together for me and my clients sake . When my head finally hit the pillow I struggled just a little but I was out until my husband's alarm went off. But he told me that I woke him up during the middle of the night because I was screaming and sobbing but he couldn't understand what i was saying. I don't remember any dreams from last night however I do know that I imagined MLRA screaming and needing to be comforted and rocked - the vision that the social worker painted for me was horrific ... I am going to wait to see if the social worker thinks it is in MLRAs best interest to see me. I told MLRA that would see him again at Christmas time so I don't want to add to his disappointments but at the same time I am no longer in charge of what is best for him.
I am overwhelmed with sadness- what I've identified so far is the sadness and anxiety for MLRA - guilt that I should have known his aunt was not committed enough to him I honestly believed that she loved him unconditionally. More than me.
Saturday, December 17, 2011
Friday, December 16, 2011
Shocked in disbelief
It has been less than 24 hours since a prosecuter called me to advise me that MLRA had indeed been dropped off at the welfare office. I was in disbelief but sort of relieved in a way. See the angry text messages had continued. But, for some reason yesterday morning I woke up in a fiesty mood where I no longer wanted to control myself but I wanted to unleash my disappointment as well.
I got a text from aunt #2 stating that she had "heard" that I killed babies and had a dozen abortions and that I had had a dozen husbands. So, instead of controlling myself, I shot her back a text that I had "heard" she killed a dozen cows and dinnertime the way she ate hamburgers.
That wasn't my only response where I didn't hold back. Aunt #2 had sent me a text calling me a coward for not transferring MLRA to her. So, I angrily told her I HAD dropped off MLRA to her, talked to her about getting him into school and therapy and HAD made arrangements to transfer the legal guardianship to her. I called her a tub of lard and a wench.
Okay, I stooped to their level and I shouldn't have but for a brief second I was glad. But, yeah not anymore.
So, today, I talked to the social worker that received MLRA when Aunt #2 dropped him off. He said that Aunt #2 walked into the office, said she needed to drop off MLRA because she didn't have the financial resources or legal resources to take care of him. The social worker asked if she needed help getting financial assistance or legal guardianship and she said no. That even if she had the money and the legal guardianship that she couldn't take care of him because MLRA was too physically aggressive. That he asked why? and that she said she had two other children and couldn't risk their safety. That I had legal guardianship and that I had not wanted him and dumped him on her doorstep and "left him for dead".
He said that Aunt #2 then turned around and went to outside and brought MLRA in and gave him a hug and said goodbye. That MLRA started freaking out and started crying asking her where she was going and that she went outside and came back in and dumped his belongings on the floor and that MLRA tried to grab onto her and that she walked out with MLRA screaming for her to not leave him.
The social worker said that it was so hard core that he kept replaying the scene in his mind and that the whole scene brought tears to the cops that were present.
The social worker ended with telling me that he would be willing to consider letting me see him or talk to him but that he didn't necessarily know if that was a good thing considering that I wasn't going to be a long term solution for him. However, the social worker did say that he thought that MLRA was doing very well in the new foster home and that he didn't know if that was a honeymoon period or not but that the family wanted to adopt him. He said it was not the ideal choice for him racially and culturally but that frankly MLRA was happy to be there and hopefully it would be a fast track for adoption.
Please pray for MLRA.
I got a text from aunt #2 stating that she had "heard" that I killed babies and had a dozen abortions and that I had had a dozen husbands. So, instead of controlling myself, I shot her back a text that I had "heard" she killed a dozen cows and dinnertime the way she ate hamburgers.
That wasn't my only response where I didn't hold back. Aunt #2 had sent me a text calling me a coward for not transferring MLRA to her. So, I angrily told her I HAD dropped off MLRA to her, talked to her about getting him into school and therapy and HAD made arrangements to transfer the legal guardianship to her. I called her a tub of lard and a wench.
Okay, I stooped to their level and I shouldn't have but for a brief second I was glad. But, yeah not anymore.
So, today, I talked to the social worker that received MLRA when Aunt #2 dropped him off. He said that Aunt #2 walked into the office, said she needed to drop off MLRA because she didn't have the financial resources or legal resources to take care of him. The social worker asked if she needed help getting financial assistance or legal guardianship and she said no. That even if she had the money and the legal guardianship that she couldn't take care of him because MLRA was too physically aggressive. That he asked why? and that she said she had two other children and couldn't risk their safety. That I had legal guardianship and that I had not wanted him and dumped him on her doorstep and "left him for dead".
He said that Aunt #2 then turned around and went to outside and brought MLRA in and gave him a hug and said goodbye. That MLRA started freaking out and started crying asking her where she was going and that she went outside and came back in and dumped his belongings on the floor and that MLRA tried to grab onto her and that she walked out with MLRA screaming for her to not leave him.
The social worker said that it was so hard core that he kept replaying the scene in his mind and that the whole scene brought tears to the cops that were present.
The social worker ended with telling me that he would be willing to consider letting me see him or talk to him but that he didn't necessarily know if that was a good thing considering that I wasn't going to be a long term solution for him. However, the social worker did say that he thought that MLRA was doing very well in the new foster home and that he didn't know if that was a honeymoon period or not but that the family wanted to adopt him. He said it was not the ideal choice for him racially and culturally but that frankly MLRA was happy to be there and hopefully it would be a fast track for adoption.
Please pray for MLRA.
Thursday, December 15, 2011
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
This is all to end next week with the transfer of legal guardianship to Aunt #2 - the aunt with the brothers. Unfortunately, the aunt texted me on Monday "threatening" me that she was going to go drop MLRA at the welfare office because she never wanted him in the first place. That if they didn't take him that she was then going to drive him over to my parent's house and drop him off there. I can't imagine what MLRA is experiencing. His hearing is supersensitive and hears low level conversations across two or three rooms with tv on and music on. His therapists say that its a symptom of hypervigilance of needing to know what is going on.
Regardless, I'm waiting to hear if that is true or another ploy to attempt to manipulate me.
On Monday, this is the text I got from the aunt:
r u fucking stupid I NEVER WANTED THE KID I GAVE HIM TO U CUZ I DIDN'T WANT HIM & UR WEAR MINDED ASS COULDN'T HANDLE HIM. I'M GIVING HIM AWAY.
LOL that is why u don't have kids of ur own ha ha aside from the ones u aborted. Ur nephews would tell me not to give you MLRA cuz u were all fucked up lol if they only knew how right they were. Watch Watch n see....I'm shocked ur ur moms offspring cause ur no woman.
I sent a smiley face back and got this response:
I can't wait till ur delt with Exactly all smiles over here cause see I have my son he is mine I'll never know that void of never having my own haha and I have the boy u thought u wanted.. Ur husband will never share that love of have a child together... hehe ur funny.
and this morning the texts continued... with the final one being:
(we don't) have him and they know u left him for dead.
I have not received any calls and well from what I know about the welfare system, they are not going to let her just drop him off unless she claims she is a danger to him. which would mean she is a danger to her own kids.
I was getting ready to end this blog and move on. I guess its not over yet.
By the way, no truth to the abortions and other comments she made but I'm not going to dwell on it.
But, in the grand scheme of things, I do think MLRA is better off away from all that hostility. I spent a year and a half creating a safe and quiet environment for him. Do I want him back? Unfortunately no. I think I made the right decision for me and my family. I think for MLRA it would have been good to be with his brothers. I don't know if that's true anymore.
Regardless, I'm waiting to hear if that is true or another ploy to attempt to manipulate me.
On Monday, this is the text I got from the aunt:
r u fucking stupid I NEVER WANTED THE KID I GAVE HIM TO U CUZ I DIDN'T WANT HIM & UR WEAR MINDED ASS COULDN'T HANDLE HIM. I'M GIVING HIM AWAY.
LOL that is why u don't have kids of ur own ha ha aside from the ones u aborted. Ur nephews would tell me not to give you MLRA cuz u were all fucked up lol if they only knew how right they were. Watch Watch n see....I'm shocked ur ur moms offspring cause ur no woman.
I sent a smiley face back and got this response:
I can't wait till ur delt with Exactly all smiles over here cause see I have my son he is mine I'll never know that void of never having my own haha and I have the boy u thought u wanted.. Ur husband will never share that love of have a child together... hehe ur funny.
and this morning the texts continued... with the final one being:
(we don't) have him and they know u left him for dead.
I have not received any calls and well from what I know about the welfare system, they are not going to let her just drop him off unless she claims she is a danger to him. which would mean she is a danger to her own kids.
I was getting ready to end this blog and move on. I guess its not over yet.
By the way, no truth to the abortions and other comments she made but I'm not going to dwell on it.
But, in the grand scheme of things, I do think MLRA is better off away from all that hostility. I spent a year and a half creating a safe and quiet environment for him. Do I want him back? Unfortunately no. I think I made the right decision for me and my family. I think for MLRA it would have been good to be with his brothers. I don't know if that's true anymore.
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Tired
Coming home from my Thanksgiving vacation, I was hopeful that I was past the worst of my spiral into an empty hole of depression.
I have been home for a week now and I am so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. All I want is to sleep and when I lie down, I can't sleep. When I do sleep, I can't stay asleep. And when I need to wake up, I can't get up from exhaustion.
I washed MLRA's bathroom and bathtub finally. No one has used it since he left. Frankly no one would use it except for him. Although I would clean it periodically, I never trusted I cleaned it well enough that I would use the other bathroom mostly. But, I cleaned it finally and took a bubble bath. I lit a candle and played music in the background. I haven't had a bubble bath in at least 2 years. The hot water and silence was not relaxing. The chaotic thoughts scrambling through my head wouldn't let me relax. My brain went from thinking about the goodbye with MLRA to the moments right before when I was tickling him to the text messages from his aunt to work to thoughts of MLRA and what he must have seen as he showered everynight in the same bath tub. Did he wonder about his mother? Did he wonder what he was doing with us? Did he relax enough to enjoy the showers? Did he wonder about his father?
I'm continuing forward with my plans. I have put together a small group of friends interested in skyping with my friend the Jesuit priest. Our first assignment is to listen to music ( a specific website) for a minimum of 5 minutes each day for the next week and write down how the music made us feel. Anxious and nervous were my feelings.
I will also start boxing this next week (a friend will be joining me). Hopefully the physical exercise will physically exhaust me to knock me out and I can get some sleep.
I have been home for a week now and I am so tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. All I want is to sleep and when I lie down, I can't sleep. When I do sleep, I can't stay asleep. And when I need to wake up, I can't get up from exhaustion.
I washed MLRA's bathroom and bathtub finally. No one has used it since he left. Frankly no one would use it except for him. Although I would clean it periodically, I never trusted I cleaned it well enough that I would use the other bathroom mostly. But, I cleaned it finally and took a bubble bath. I lit a candle and played music in the background. I haven't had a bubble bath in at least 2 years. The hot water and silence was not relaxing. The chaotic thoughts scrambling through my head wouldn't let me relax. My brain went from thinking about the goodbye with MLRA to the moments right before when I was tickling him to the text messages from his aunt to work to thoughts of MLRA and what he must have seen as he showered everynight in the same bath tub. Did he wonder about his mother? Did he wonder what he was doing with us? Did he relax enough to enjoy the showers? Did he wonder about his father?
I'm continuing forward with my plans. I have put together a small group of friends interested in skyping with my friend the Jesuit priest. Our first assignment is to listen to music ( a specific website) for a minimum of 5 minutes each day for the next week and write down how the music made us feel. Anxious and nervous were my feelings.
I will also start boxing this next week (a friend will be joining me). Hopefully the physical exercise will physically exhaust me to knock me out and I can get some sleep.
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