Although I have made the decision to transition MLRA to one of his closer family members, I have been a wreck lately. I cry at the simplest gestures of kindness. My emotions are raw. But, in all that emotional turmoil I have opened up my heart more to MLRA knowing that he is not going to be with me. I wonder if his family member will remember to read him a bedtime story and know how important it has become to him to sit down and share stories about his day at dinner time. I wonder if his aunt will give him "magic water" for the hiccups and "magic ice" to make his bruises and bumps go away. It is not easy. I have had doubts. I am looking for signs everywhere and in everything. I have started sleeping in his room to get the last few bits of closeness to him. I feel the guilt and uncertainty that I'm doing the right thing. Yet, I come back to my family and how they have asked me to let him go. My family- my immediate family- the ones that always sit back and support me no matter what. The ones that never criticize me or judge me. In my heart I know that I need to let him go because my health- emotional and physical- has started to suffer.
But, this weekend, I prayed about it and I've been talking about it and what I keep hearing louder and clearer is that he needs more than just me. He needs more people loving him. I can't do it on my own. My husband has been supportive but he has limits. I have to accept that I have limits too. Its a hard thing for me to accept as I'm used to finding solutions and making them happen. The solution I see here with MLRA is that I can't do it alone. I don't have any respite help. I used to have my neighbor lady, until this weekend.
My neighbor is a stay at home mom who was a foster child herself. She has four children of her own. She is married and homeschools her children. She has the patience of an angel. She is the only person that can take MLRA when me and my husband need a break. Her four children get along with him for the most part. Her two older are jealous of him because he doesn't share the same consequences to actions as her children ... I think because she feels sorry for him or maybe she is just knows he needs more patience. Her 3 year old little girl loves him but I worry more than my neighbor about MLRA playing with her. MLRA has sex predator grooming behaviors- although he "grooms" young teenagers and young women more than children. But, my neighbor also claims that she has never seen anything but sweetness from him.
Well I also feel like my neighbor has been somewhat judgemental about my decision to transition MLRA back to his family. She has asked me to quit my job and become a stay-at-home mom to provide a better life for MLRA. She has also taken some liberties like buying MLRA a bike and keeping it at her house since I get the feeling she thinks my husband and I are too strict with him. But, she is my only respite so I have been more lenient than I would normally. Its a trade-off.
Sunday she asked if she could take him for the day. I agreed. She came by to get him around noon. MLRA loves going there and he practically leaped out the door. I think MLRA misses being around other children also. So, all in all I see it as positive for all of us.
But, a couple of hours after she picked him up, she texted me in a panic, asking if MLRA's morning was hard? I responded no and picked up the phone to call her. She answered... her voice was stressed and she sounded like she had been crying. This is the story she relayed to me:
She and her family had decided to take MLRA to have dinner with her parents. A 3-4 hour round trip. Not even a half hour into the ride, MLRA started flipping out. He started yelling and screaming that he was going to chop up her 2 year old baby with a knife and feed it to the dogs, that he was going to kill her kids - naming them each. That he hated her and her husband. She said they had to stop to try to calm him down. That MLRA once out of the car, tried to run into the traffic. She stopped him but MLRA started yelling that he was going to cause a car accident and get them all in trouble for not keeping him safe. That he was going to beat himself up and tell the police that they beat him up so they could get arrested and go to jail. Apparently the husband lost it and started yelling at MLRA that he wasn't going to put up with MLRA disrespecting his family and that he needed to stop. MLRA yelled at him, that he could say whatever he wanted and that no one was going to tell him to stop. And he continued yelling that he was going to kill all of them. The family had to stop one more time to try to calm him down. Evidently according to the neighbor it was so bad that her husband contemplated calling the police. I asked her if he was okay, she said yes. But, what should we have done she asked. I said, if he's hurting himself or others, I have to restrain him... otherwise, I try to either let him get it out or if he lets me, I hug him to calmness. I asked her if she needed me to go get him. She said no, but she said, his eyes were rolling around in different directions and that he was talking like he was a different person. I said yesm he does that. She asked me is this something you deal with. I said yes, but I haven't had to restrain him since December or January. But, his yelling and saying he's going to kill us, yes, last time was two weeks ago. She kept repeating, I've never seen him like this.
She asked if I knew when he was going to transition. I said, we haven't figured out the exact date but soon. She said, does the aunt have kids. I said no. She said good. She then said, I felt like he was possessed and that there was just pure evil in him. I said yep. She said, I had no idea. In that moment, i realized I had lost my only respite care that I had. It became clear that for sure I was alone and I certainly couldn't do it alone.
I have to keep telling myself that he is in God's hands and that I am human and can only do so much.
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