Trip to Boise

ARGH!

On the way, to the airport, (it’s a 3 hour drive) I asked him to stop throwing his glasses around in the car.  He threw the glasses and he couldn’t reach them so he asked me to get them for him.  I said no, I told you not to throw them and you kept throwing them so they stay there until we get to the airport.  He said, I have to go potty.  I asked him are you lying to me. he was quiet then he said mom, I don’t have to go.  Then he asked again for me to get his glasses, I said no.  then he said, I’m going to take my seat belt off.  I said, I will stop the car if you take your seatbelt off.  He got a smile on his face and he took his seat belt off.  I said put your seatbelt back on or I’m going to stop and if I stop I’m going to take away your glasses.  He laughed and I stopped the car and he started ran and got his sunglasses and sat back down on his car seat and said, I have my seatbelt on now mom.  I took away his sunglasses.  He just stared at me then he started yelling that he wanted to go back to his godmother’s.  I told him that I needed for him to call himself down or I would have to help him (restrain).  He calmed down for a bit. 

Then when my tio joined us to drop us off at the airport, it went something like this: He started telling my uncle on the drive to the airport how awful I was, how I bought him toys then took them away, how I put him on timeout at gas stations, and how I scared him when I stopped the car “in the middle of the freeway” and he thought he was going to crash.  How I was always putting him on timeout and throwing away his toys.  My uncle answered, so what did you do?  He says nothing, my mom is mean and I don’t want to live with her and I want you to call the cops and arrest her.  Ah, if I hadn’t just started my period, I would have not been so pissed.  My uncle was fine, but I thought to myself.  I sound awful.  When we got to the airport, I was quiet and I told him to use inside voice, so he started yelling, MOM, WHY DON’T YOU WANT ME TO TALK?  ARE YOU MAD AT ME MOM?  I LOVE YOU MOM! while looking like a poor innocent child.  

On the airplane, he kept pushing the limit.  I had asked him to speak in inside voice on the plane.  Every once in a while, he would yell, MOM I LOVE YOU, WHY DON”T YOU WANT ME TO TALK?  IS IT OKAY IF I USE MY OUTSIDE VOICE MOM, MOM? MOM!ll WHY YOU NOT TALKING TO ME MOM?  ARE YOU MAD AT ME?  WHY YOU MAD AT ME MOM?

Questions

today I was asked by my "son's" therapist if she could do a psychological exam on my 3 soon to be 4 year old.  I wondered, uh, could this be the beginning of the healing or the beginning of another worse diagnosis or the same-same?  I am caring for my great nephew whose mother was killed by her husband.  The mother is my niece.  Except I didn't really know her because of a long story but suffice it to say that I did know she existed but I had never met her.  Well, she was obviously a bad mother.  She probably didn't have anyone in her life to model what a good mother looks like either though.  She was my brother's daughter born of an extra-marital affair.  Its funny how my brother's actions 30 years ago, have impacted my life so drastically today. 
This little three year old is angry, traumatized from watching severe domestic violence, from witnessing horrific cruel acts, may have been sexually abused himself.  He is violent.  He is out of control with anger at times.  He was neglected.  He was left alone for days and weeks at a time. 
It's hard to imagine what horrors he has witnessed.  but, it's not my fault.  I know that sounds stupid but frankly i wonder how I ended up with this task of raising him.  sometimes, rarely it feels like a blessing.  Most times, especially lately it feels like a burden. 

He most likely has Reactive Attachment Disorder.  He suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  He may also have Fetal Alcohol Syndrome.  He could also have a mild form of Down's Syndrome.  I didn't know there was such a thing.  I didn't know what Reactive Attachment Disorder was until a month after we brought him home. 

I'm feeling overwhelmed.  I'm also feeling responsible.  I'm also exhausted and tired.