I went to college at a Jesuit university where I had access to many wonderful religious and spiritual leaders. One in particular was a priest on my dorm floor my freshman year in college. He was non-judgmental. Not all are. He is an extremely kind and gentle yet very worldly and aware. He sent me a text recently that simply said, enjoy loving and being loved today.
Surrounded by my extended family for the Thanksgiving week was exactly what I needed. On Thanksgiving day, I sat myself back and enjoyed watching the love flow amongst every and all in my midst. I received a lot of love mostly in the little things: The concerns for whether I had had enough to eat and drink, the genuine connection with most and the laughs from the belly.
MLRA called to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving. His calls are monitored and he is coached by voices in the background about what to say but his voice sounded happy. He sounded very content.
So, I sat down to read some messages I have received in this transition. Here are some of the most profound:
i just thought i'd stop by and let you know that even though we hardly see each other or even talk to each other, i want you to know that i look up to you! you're an amazing woman with nothing but warm love!!! You are not only amazing, but st...rong as well.. :) i have very much love and respect for you! Many wish they can have at least half of the courage you have! Never change! Everything you have done and continue doing has made an impact in many peoples lives! i know it! you are very inspirational.. thank you for what you do! :) God is big and you will get yours, if you haven't already! :) xoxo
trying and giving someone that long in a stable and safe environment, in itself, (and as unlikely as your connection otherwise would have been)….that was a miracle too. When you stop kicking yourself, you can start to heal, my darling and then, the world will open up again so that you can once more gain joy out of it.
Love you! You are an amazing woman, one of my role models!
You're amazing for trying rather than turning your back.
You gave your love to someone - there is no undoing that. I'm praying you will find peace soon.
you gave so much love. You did what so many others can't do. don't beat yourself up. Please try and remember all the good you both have done with him. He might not know now but you gave him his first stable foundation. You are truly a blessing.
Well you tried, you are not God and could not perform miracles, which is what it would've taken. You tried... Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing what is necessary for your sanity. :)
You must choose life. It's so worth living.
You were there when he really needed someone to teach him love and hold him when he was desperate! U did the best you could. Keep that chin up. All the best!!
I have read your blog & empathize with your decision. I know that he had moment's of happiness as a child & maternal adoration for you. Do not think that you have failed. He will remember you as a person that loved him regardless of his shortcomings; there will always be flickers of childhood merriment & familial memories in your home. But it's going to be so painful for you over the next weeks, months & years. You took on a huge responsibility with this boy and you did not let him down but gave him a chapter of hope in a torrential life of pain that no child should have endured. I applaud you for hanging in there for so long when the prognosis became so bleak. You have to take care of yourself and let go. You know that you are facing a downward spiral that will come with PTSD & the battle scars. I don't know how to help you prepare for the pain. Be brave~ you have a strong spirit.
I think you gave it your all. You got him help, you loved him and it just sounds like he is really screwed up. I cannot imagine dealing w/what you have dealt with escpecially since you are not the one who screwed him up. It is very sad but hey we can't save the world. How much humility, anguish, tears, failure are you supposed to endure before you throw in the towel. He has probably already taken quite a toll on you already. You tried and kept trying but in the process do you keep trying until he destroys you? NO. You deserve a normal child, you seem to be an awesome woman who is willing to give so much.
I read and reread all my messages and allowed myself to bask in the love.
Monday, November 28, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Surround myself with laughter and good people
Surrounded by family mainly I started to gently force myself to move forward. Surrounded by family, I started to tell stories that would make them laugh. I didn't know why but I felt that it was helpful for me to laugh at myself.
I told them the story of when I went to study in Mexico for a summer. Here let me share the story here. It helped me focus on something other than my misery.
I was 23 years old and I was selected to do an exchange program together with medical students. The idea was to conduct a study on child malnutrition. I was one of 12 students. I was the only college student, the other 11 students were medical students. We were each assigned to a village. On the weekends, all of us would meet in the capital city for medical classes and to work on our study. At the end of the summer, my father came to Mexico to accompany back to the United States. Shortly after he had arrived, we went to a soccer game. My father got up and disappeared for a while but came back with two Coke bottles and some potato chips. I was shocked. I told my him, "Dad, don't drink the Cokes! The professors at the university told us to not drink Coke because a man had fallen into the mixer and they had not been able to get him out in time so he was cut up into little pieces. If you hold up the bottle of Coke, Dad, you can see bits and pieces of his bones floating in the bottle." I grabbed the Coke bottle and held it up to show my father that he was going to be drinking pieces of a crushed up man. My dad to my dismay, looked disgusted and grabbed his Coke and put it to his lips and drank it ignoring my pleas.
He then grabbed the potato chips and opened the bag. When he opened the bag, I told him, "Dad, the local newspapers published an article that uncovered that the factory where they make these potato chips was under investigation because they found thousands and thousands of dead rats. Apparently they were skinning the rats and using the skin to fry the potato chips so that they didn't have to pay for frying oil." I grabbed the bag of potato chips and held it up to my dad's nose and asked him to sniff. I said to him that he needed to smell it so he could smell the faint smell of rat.
My dad grabbed the bag out of my hand in a very hostile manner. He then lowered his head and sighed. Then he turned to look at me said, in a very disappointed tone, My God, and you were the only one of my children that studied in a university".
Whenever I tell that story it makes people laugh. This time I told it to make myself laugh at myself. People rolled in laughter. This was the first time I told the story in front of my dad. He must have remembered because he looked at me and smiled while shaking his head like he remembered his own feelings and disappointment at that time.
I was planning on going home the next day. I planned on making lunch plans with close friends to keep myself on track. During the week I did just that. I didn't have to ask though. Friends were calling me and inviting me to get together. I was feeling better. I had planned on taking a couple of days off and spending Thanksgiving with another part of my extended family. So, I started packing.
I have now been here at my aunt's house since Saturday. It is Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Monday, I got a text from MLRA's aunt asking for money to buy him clothes, she said, I'm just your babysitter so please send money to feed him and clothe him. I responded go to a second hand store. I dropped him off with two coats and a suitcase of winter clothes. She responded back with, forget it, go to hell, he doesn't need you and I'm going to tell him that you are nothing to him. I am going to tell him that you don't give a shit about him and that you came to drop him for dead. That you didn't care who was here to take him, just as long as you didn't have to take care of him anymore.
I responded with, I'm sorry but to tell you the truth I am at peace with everything that I did for MLRA, how I treated him and how I transferred him to you . I have no regrets.
She responded with, "are you stupid? at the end of the day, you left him for dead. I'm going to remind him of that as he grows up." My aunt kept asking me to read her the texts. As I read her the texts she responded with ignore her. Don't text her anymore, you are done. She is just trying to make you feel bad so she can get money out of you. You don't owe them anything. They are the ones that should be gratfeful that you took him for a year and a half. They are the ones that should have sent you money to take care of him when you had him.
After the string of texts stopped. My aunt looked at me and said, They are evil people and for your own health you need to cut them off even if it means that you don't see MLRA. They will drag you into their hell if not. and from what I can see, that is exactly what they are trying to do.
I went back to not sleeping again. Now, its the day before Thanksgiving and I am slowly getting back to sleeping all night. I only woke up once last night at 3:30 am but I went back to sleep. I want to call MLRA tomorrow to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. But, I don't know if I should. Argh. For now, I am going to go make some pumpkin pies and mull it over while the pies are baking and discuss it with my aunt.
I told them the story of when I went to study in Mexico for a summer. Here let me share the story here. It helped me focus on something other than my misery.
I was 23 years old and I was selected to do an exchange program together with medical students. The idea was to conduct a study on child malnutrition. I was one of 12 students. I was the only college student, the other 11 students were medical students. We were each assigned to a village. On the weekends, all of us would meet in the capital city for medical classes and to work on our study. At the end of the summer, my father came to Mexico to accompany back to the United States. Shortly after he had arrived, we went to a soccer game. My father got up and disappeared for a while but came back with two Coke bottles and some potato chips. I was shocked. I told my him, "Dad, don't drink the Cokes! The professors at the university told us to not drink Coke because a man had fallen into the mixer and they had not been able to get him out in time so he was cut up into little pieces. If you hold up the bottle of Coke, Dad, you can see bits and pieces of his bones floating in the bottle." I grabbed the Coke bottle and held it up to show my father that he was going to be drinking pieces of a crushed up man. My dad to my dismay, looked disgusted and grabbed his Coke and put it to his lips and drank it ignoring my pleas.
He then grabbed the potato chips and opened the bag. When he opened the bag, I told him, "Dad, the local newspapers published an article that uncovered that the factory where they make these potato chips was under investigation because they found thousands and thousands of dead rats. Apparently they were skinning the rats and using the skin to fry the potato chips so that they didn't have to pay for frying oil." I grabbed the bag of potato chips and held it up to my dad's nose and asked him to sniff. I said to him that he needed to smell it so he could smell the faint smell of rat.
My dad grabbed the bag out of my hand in a very hostile manner. He then lowered his head and sighed. Then he turned to look at me said, in a very disappointed tone, My God, and you were the only one of my children that studied in a university".
Whenever I tell that story it makes people laugh. This time I told it to make myself laugh at myself. People rolled in laughter. This was the first time I told the story in front of my dad. He must have remembered because he looked at me and smiled while shaking his head like he remembered his own feelings and disappointment at that time.
I was planning on going home the next day. I planned on making lunch plans with close friends to keep myself on track. During the week I did just that. I didn't have to ask though. Friends were calling me and inviting me to get together. I was feeling better. I had planned on taking a couple of days off and spending Thanksgiving with another part of my extended family. So, I started packing.
I have now been here at my aunt's house since Saturday. It is Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Monday, I got a text from MLRA's aunt asking for money to buy him clothes, she said, I'm just your babysitter so please send money to feed him and clothe him. I responded go to a second hand store. I dropped him off with two coats and a suitcase of winter clothes. She responded back with, forget it, go to hell, he doesn't need you and I'm going to tell him that you are nothing to him. I am going to tell him that you don't give a shit about him and that you came to drop him for dead. That you didn't care who was here to take him, just as long as you didn't have to take care of him anymore.
I responded with, I'm sorry but to tell you the truth I am at peace with everything that I did for MLRA, how I treated him and how I transferred him to you . I have no regrets.
She responded with, "are you stupid? at the end of the day, you left him for dead. I'm going to remind him of that as he grows up." My aunt kept asking me to read her the texts. As I read her the texts she responded with ignore her. Don't text her anymore, you are done. She is just trying to make you feel bad so she can get money out of you. You don't owe them anything. They are the ones that should be gratfeful that you took him for a year and a half. They are the ones that should have sent you money to take care of him when you had him.
After the string of texts stopped. My aunt looked at me and said, They are evil people and for your own health you need to cut them off even if it means that you don't see MLRA. They will drag you into their hell if not. and from what I can see, that is exactly what they are trying to do.
I went back to not sleeping again. Now, its the day before Thanksgiving and I am slowly getting back to sleeping all night. I only woke up once last night at 3:30 am but I went back to sleep. I want to call MLRA tomorrow to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. But, I don't know if I should. Argh. For now, I am going to go make some pumpkin pies and mull it over while the pies are baking and discuss it with my aunt.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
A plan
Its been a dark and cruel descent into guilt, shame, grief and intense sadness. But, I need a plan. I have gone through some pretty hellish times in the past. Two specifics one I can think of. The first was back in 1991 when in a matter of weeks my whole world crashed down on me.
I was in law school. I had just left my then-husband. I had started fainting and feeling vertigo such so that I couldn't stop vomitting for days, couldn't get the room and me to stop spinning for weeks so I was confined to a bed. All this while in law school. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Weeks prior the newspaper had published a warrant for my oldest brother. My mother went with him to turn himself in. But, the drug charges were pending. Another brother had just found out he was diabetic and he was not taking it well. One of my nephews had been sent to juvenile jail for breaking a store window with a bb gun and he had punched the guard and taken the jail keys and let him and a few buddies out of jail. He was on the loose. We didn't know where he was. All this had happened in the days leading up to my first episode of vertigo 2/16/1992.
In the weeks and days after, my mother's oldest sister died so my mother was out of the country for her funeral and unavailable to me. There had been an explosion at work and my father had 2nd degree burns through 50% of his upper body. I couldn't go to his side. and he couldn't come to mine.
Emotionally I checked out. I boarded a bus and went to my brother's house and when I arrived I arrived an emotional zombie. I sat on his sofa and stared into space for days. My sister-in-law and brother would put food in front of me. Every once in a while my 8 year old nephew would wave his hands in front of me to see if i would flinch. I would smile at him and go back to my nothingness. This went on for about a week. Then I got up and said i was ready to go back to school. I boarded Greyhound and went back to school.
I wasn't okay but I was okay enough.
The second time was when I found a meth pipe in my present husband's laundry. I gave him an ultimatum but that sent me into a tailspin. My husband eventually completed a year of rehab and he has been clean now for 5 years. But, in order to get out of that depression, I created a spiritual plan with a priest I knew from college. I attended NarcAnon once a week and I hired a psychologist to get me through it.
I know I needed a depression intervention plan. First I need to grieve. So, I was letting myself grieve. Upon my return home, I told myself I would keep myself busy with seeing friends. Then I plan on flying to see more relatives for Thanksgiving. Then when I come back I will start my spiritual journey. Only this time, I was going to invite others. After all, I now have $700 more a month now that I don't have to pay for MLRA's daycare. MLRA went to a therapeutice daycare that was non profit. He then went to afternoon special preschool which was publicly funded but then he went to a private daycare for an hour (sometimes two hours) a day. And that was where we paid up to $700 a month.
That money saved is going to fund my spiritual journey through this trying time.
I was in law school. I had just left my then-husband. I had started fainting and feeling vertigo such so that I couldn't stop vomitting for days, couldn't get the room and me to stop spinning for weeks so I was confined to a bed. All this while in law school. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Weeks prior the newspaper had published a warrant for my oldest brother. My mother went with him to turn himself in. But, the drug charges were pending. Another brother had just found out he was diabetic and he was not taking it well. One of my nephews had been sent to juvenile jail for breaking a store window with a bb gun and he had punched the guard and taken the jail keys and let him and a few buddies out of jail. He was on the loose. We didn't know where he was. All this had happened in the days leading up to my first episode of vertigo 2/16/1992.
In the weeks and days after, my mother's oldest sister died so my mother was out of the country for her funeral and unavailable to me. There had been an explosion at work and my father had 2nd degree burns through 50% of his upper body. I couldn't go to his side. and he couldn't come to mine.
Emotionally I checked out. I boarded a bus and went to my brother's house and when I arrived I arrived an emotional zombie. I sat on his sofa and stared into space for days. My sister-in-law and brother would put food in front of me. Every once in a while my 8 year old nephew would wave his hands in front of me to see if i would flinch. I would smile at him and go back to my nothingness. This went on for about a week. Then I got up and said i was ready to go back to school. I boarded Greyhound and went back to school.
I wasn't okay but I was okay enough.
The second time was when I found a meth pipe in my present husband's laundry. I gave him an ultimatum but that sent me into a tailspin. My husband eventually completed a year of rehab and he has been clean now for 5 years. But, in order to get out of that depression, I created a spiritual plan with a priest I knew from college. I attended NarcAnon once a week and I hired a psychologist to get me through it.
I know I needed a depression intervention plan. First I need to grieve. So, I was letting myself grieve. Upon my return home, I told myself I would keep myself busy with seeing friends. Then I plan on flying to see more relatives for Thanksgiving. Then when I come back I will start my spiritual journey. Only this time, I was going to invite others. After all, I now have $700 more a month now that I don't have to pay for MLRA's daycare. MLRA went to a therapeutice daycare that was non profit. He then went to afternoon special preschool which was publicly funded but then he went to a private daycare for an hour (sometimes two hours) a day. And that was where we paid up to $700 a month.
That money saved is going to fund my spiritual journey through this trying time.
Friday, November 18, 2011
Absorbing the love
The day after the wedding, I made a decision to not hold back but to let myself grieve. Of course with limits. But, I wanted to take advantage of having my lovely family around. So, I didn't stop myself when my mind wandered to MLRA and his wellbeing. I only had the weekend with my family and I didn't expect much emotional support when I got back home to my husband. Not because I don't think my husband loves me but because I love him and understand that he doesn't do emotions very well especially crying.
I needed emotional support and I was going to get it before I left.
The one person I tried to hide my sorrowness from was my mother though. I didn't want her to worry about me. But, she asked me when MLRA's aunt was bringing MLRA back to me or if I had to go get him. I told her that she was not bringing him-that he was going to stay with her. My poor mom. She looked at me and started crying and through her sobbing she said, "I don't feel sad for him. He will be okay. He will be better in fact, because of what you did for him. Its you that I'm worried about. You gave your heart and soul to him and you grew attached to him. No matter your decision. He became a part of you. Its you that is gonna suffer from this." I held her. and she sobbed as I held her. I told her that I was fine. I didn't cry with her. I was too busy comforting her.
I needed emotional support and I was going to get it before I left.
The one person I tried to hide my sorrowness from was my mother though. I didn't want her to worry about me. But, she asked me when MLRA's aunt was bringing MLRA back to me or if I had to go get him. I told her that she was not bringing him-that he was going to stay with her. My poor mom. She looked at me and started crying and through her sobbing she said, "I don't feel sad for him. He will be okay. He will be better in fact, because of what you did for him. Its you that I'm worried about. You gave your heart and soul to him and you grew attached to him. No matter your decision. He became a part of you. Its you that is gonna suffer from this." I held her. and she sobbed as I held her. I told her that I was fine. I didn't cry with her. I was too busy comforting her.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
The emotional aftermath
That first night without him was quiet. I slept for about 4 or 5 hours total from 10 pm to 8 am. It was the morning of my niece's wedding. I was looking forward to seeing her get married but I wasn't ready to face anyone nor did I want all the emotional drama to take away from her beautiful day. Unfortunately, I couldn't help myself. Everytime someone asked me if I was okay, I'd bust out into tears. And I am an ugly crier. Some people look okay crying- not ugly. I look ugly when I cry. So, I try to turn away so no one gets horrified.
I had one aunt that was my only other reliable babysitter (besides my next door neighbor that I eventually lost). I had to face her. She was the one that took care of him when I left the country last year for my cousin's funeral and also the one that took him for my birthday weekend when my brother couldn't. Granted she lived four hours away but she became the ONLY respite my husband and I had. She loves me a lot and she came to love MLRA. She and her husband. Her husband loved him a lot too. I avoided them until I couldn't anymore.
But, I had to face her eventually. I had to get it over with. I had to explain what I had done and I didn't have a happy ending to soften the blow. I didn't know how he was doing. I had texted and texted to see how he was doing and I got no response. It didn't appear that they were going to let me talk to him or have contact with him. I had to explain myself to my aunt. They deserved a right to know. They loved him too. They hadn't had a chance to say goodbye.
I broke down at one point before the wedding and secluded myself in the bathroom. I sobbed and sobbed. I felt that my whole body was convulsing from the grief. I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. My dear brother came looking for me and grabbed my arm and pulled me up and embraced me. I clung to him tight and he held me tighter the more I cried. I buried my face into his chest and sobbed while he held me even tighter. He whispered to me, you did the right thing over and over again. He told me you couldn't do this alone and he needs someone that doesn't have a job and can concentrate on just him. He rocked me gently as he held me. He told me he loved me and that he was proud of me for what I had done for him. I cried until I became weaker. He didn't let go. I figured that I was too much emotion for him. But, he held me until I didn't need his strength to stand upright anymore.
and that is how it was the whole night. the whole wedding. with each breakdown there was someone to comfort me. That is the beauty of having a large family. But, the most beautiful part of it all was that each time it was someone different. I wasn't overwhelming one person. It was different family members. I guess its hard to explain. But, with large families, its impossible to get along with everyone or be close to everyone. So, I wasn't expecting emotional support but was gladly receiving it when offered.
One of the big surprises was a cousin that I have never particularly liked or gotten along with. In fact I avoid talking to her because I find her unpleasant. But, the day after the wedding I received a call from her. She wanted to tell me that if I ever wanted to talk that she was here for me and that she knew I was going through a hard time and she had my back no matter our history of not getting along and that she loved me.
I cried again. or maybe I just stopped for a little bit.
I had one aunt that was my only other reliable babysitter (besides my next door neighbor that I eventually lost). I had to face her. She was the one that took care of him when I left the country last year for my cousin's funeral and also the one that took him for my birthday weekend when my brother couldn't. Granted she lived four hours away but she became the ONLY respite my husband and I had. She loves me a lot and she came to love MLRA. She and her husband. Her husband loved him a lot too. I avoided them until I couldn't anymore.
But, I had to face her eventually. I had to get it over with. I had to explain what I had done and I didn't have a happy ending to soften the blow. I didn't know how he was doing. I had texted and texted to see how he was doing and I got no response. It didn't appear that they were going to let me talk to him or have contact with him. I had to explain myself to my aunt. They deserved a right to know. They loved him too. They hadn't had a chance to say goodbye.
I broke down at one point before the wedding and secluded myself in the bathroom. I sobbed and sobbed. I felt that my whole body was convulsing from the grief. I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. My dear brother came looking for me and grabbed my arm and pulled me up and embraced me. I clung to him tight and he held me tighter the more I cried. I buried my face into his chest and sobbed while he held me even tighter. He whispered to me, you did the right thing over and over again. He told me you couldn't do this alone and he needs someone that doesn't have a job and can concentrate on just him. He rocked me gently as he held me. He told me he loved me and that he was proud of me for what I had done for him. I cried until I became weaker. He didn't let go. I figured that I was too much emotion for him. But, he held me until I didn't need his strength to stand upright anymore.
and that is how it was the whole night. the whole wedding. with each breakdown there was someone to comfort me. That is the beauty of having a large family. But, the most beautiful part of it all was that each time it was someone different. I wasn't overwhelming one person. It was different family members. I guess its hard to explain. But, with large families, its impossible to get along with everyone or be close to everyone. So, I wasn't expecting emotional support but was gladly receiving it when offered.
One of the big surprises was a cousin that I have never particularly liked or gotten along with. In fact I avoid talking to her because I find her unpleasant. But, the day after the wedding I received a call from her. She wanted to tell me that if I ever wanted to talk that she was here for me and that she knew I was going through a hard time and she had my back no matter our history of not getting along and that she loved me.
I cried again. or maybe I just stopped for a little bit.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
The goodbye
As we pulled up to the house, MLRA got superexcited and unbuckled his seatbelt. His aunt came to the car to greet him. My uncle and I grabbed his luggage: 1) a huge dufflebag of clothes; 2) a suitcase of his toys, play computer, favorite books; his towels; his sheets; and 3) his backpack of pictures and coloring books. MLRA was wearing a winter coat, a goosefeather vest and a winter hat.
He went willing to his aunt. She scooped him up and carried him inside the house. My uncle and I followed her in. Once inside, MLRA started screaming at me, "GO AWAY! DON'T TOUCH ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!". In a state of mild shock, I waved goodbye to him and my uncle and I walked out. The house was a mess. The aunts were rude. I felt like I was watching my year and a half of hard work going down the drain in a second before my eyes. I couldn't react. I went into survival mode which was to shut down my emotions.
The Denver aunt was there, having flown in for the occasion. Denver aunt was waiting outside when we walked out. She stood in my way and said, "I want some answers". I said, okay, let's talk. She started to insist that we talk later but I demanded to get it over with. Denver Aunt, Aunt #1 told me that she wanted to know why I was returning him to them. She said, What do you expect us to do with him now? Do you realize what kind of bind you have left us in? Now what? I explained that MLRA was a different little boy than when he first came to me and that she would see that he was starting to read and was much calmer. She replied back to me, "I don't give a shit what you think you've done for him. I don't give a shit how many clothes you bought him. All I care about right now is what am I going to tell my family when I walk back in there. They will want to have an explanation as to why we are now in this situation."
Somewhere in the conversation I said, I don't want you to say thank you but I do want you to acknowledge that it was difficult for me to keep him without any help. You guys have each other. I didn't even have one person who would watch him for 5 minutes.
But Aunt #1/Denver Aunt interrupted me to say that she had forgiven MLRA's dad for killing her cousin. That she had forgiven him because she came to realize that she was shot in a moment of passion. I asked her, how can you forgive him and hate me? She replied, I don't hate you but I do resent you for bringing him back. ARGH. I just wanted to finish the conversation and get out of there. I didn't want a reason to ever talk to them again. But, I also wanted to leave it clean so I could have a relationship with MLRA.
We left. I didn't cry. I just stared at the air as we drove back the 3 hours to my uncle's house.
The next morning I texted the Aunt #2 to ask her to say good morning to MLRA for me. She responded with the following text: "don't text me anymore, you stress me out too much". I thought about leaving it alone but decided that I couldn't. I texted her back- either you let me have a relationship with MLRA and let me talk to him or I will call the police and ask them to go to your house to make sure he is okay. Well that did it. I got a call from MLRA. He said he was fine. and he was told to tell me he would call back later because he was busy and that was that. Before he hung up he said that he had a lot of things to tell me but he was being told in the background to hang up. So, he did. I was grateful that I heard his tiny voice and that he seemed okay.
He went willing to his aunt. She scooped him up and carried him inside the house. My uncle and I followed her in. Once inside, MLRA started screaming at me, "GO AWAY! DON'T TOUCH ME! LEAVE ME ALONE!". In a state of mild shock, I waved goodbye to him and my uncle and I walked out. The house was a mess. The aunts were rude. I felt like I was watching my year and a half of hard work going down the drain in a second before my eyes. I couldn't react. I went into survival mode which was to shut down my emotions.
The Denver aunt was there, having flown in for the occasion. Denver aunt was waiting outside when we walked out. She stood in my way and said, "I want some answers". I said, okay, let's talk. She started to insist that we talk later but I demanded to get it over with. Denver Aunt, Aunt #1 told me that she wanted to know why I was returning him to them. She said, What do you expect us to do with him now? Do you realize what kind of bind you have left us in? Now what? I explained that MLRA was a different little boy than when he first came to me and that she would see that he was starting to read and was much calmer. She replied back to me, "I don't give a shit what you think you've done for him. I don't give a shit how many clothes you bought him. All I care about right now is what am I going to tell my family when I walk back in there. They will want to have an explanation as to why we are now in this situation."
Somewhere in the conversation I said, I don't want you to say thank you but I do want you to acknowledge that it was difficult for me to keep him without any help. You guys have each other. I didn't even have one person who would watch him for 5 minutes.
But Aunt #1/Denver Aunt interrupted me to say that she had forgiven MLRA's dad for killing her cousin. That she had forgiven him because she came to realize that she was shot in a moment of passion. I asked her, how can you forgive him and hate me? She replied, I don't hate you but I do resent you for bringing him back. ARGH. I just wanted to finish the conversation and get out of there. I didn't want a reason to ever talk to them again. But, I also wanted to leave it clean so I could have a relationship with MLRA.
We left. I didn't cry. I just stared at the air as we drove back the 3 hours to my uncle's house.
The next morning I texted the Aunt #2 to ask her to say good morning to MLRA for me. She responded with the following text: "don't text me anymore, you stress me out too much". I thought about leaving it alone but decided that I couldn't. I texted her back- either you let me have a relationship with MLRA and let me talk to him or I will call the police and ask them to go to your house to make sure he is okay. Well that did it. I got a call from MLRA. He said he was fine. and he was told to tell me he would call back later because he was busy and that was that. Before he hung up he said that he had a lot of things to tell me but he was being told in the background to hang up. So, he did. I was grateful that I heard his tiny voice and that he seemed okay.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Goodbye :(
My Lil RAD Angel had many going away parties: 1) to his therapist (They picked out beads to represent different various memories and made a necklace that he wore all day); 2) his special-ed preschool teacher and classmates made him a book that they laminated with “miss-you” messages; 3) the next door neighbor made a going away party for him and 4) a close friend of mine and her nephews came over for a going away cake and cookies. I know this was a lot for a little boy. But, I wanted him to be able to say goodbye to everyone that was important to him. The next day, the day of our flight he said goodbye to his classmates at the therapeutic daycare. This was his biggest goodbye-next to me.
My husband gave him his favorite beanie cap. One that MLRA loved. He told him he loved him and that he would miss him.
The four nights before he left, he slept the whole night. He didn’t talk in his sleep and he slept until I woke him up. I take that as a sign that he was at peace with going to his brothers. It made me happy and content. It made it obvious to me that going to his brothers was what he needed. He didn’t pee on the floor, nor did he spread his feces all over the bathroom in the last days. The peeing had become daily occurrences in the last week. My husband gave him his favorite beanie cap. One that MLRA loved. He told him he loved him and that he would miss him.
I was coming to peace with this but… it didn’t stop the tears from flowing. It was devastating me. I couldn’t concentrate at work. I was looking forward to getting it done.
He picked out his clothes and toys he wanted to take. I supplemented his pile with educational toys and the rest of his clothes. He only left a change of clothes and like 10 winter coats. (Who needs 10 winter coats? No one really, but people were always giving him clothes and jackets. He seemed to be happy and content. Things seemed to be going smoothly. But, things don’t always go as planned. The day of our flight, I went to pick him up from the therapeutic daycare and as I walked up to the door. I was overwhelmed with grief and I couldn’t walk any further. I broke down. I lost the strength in my legs and leaned against the rail. It took me a short while. I pulled myself together, walked in and broke down again once inside. The teacher that was in the lobby didn’t talk to me so that I could pull myself together. I finally did so I walked to the classroom. MLRA was waiting for me. He hit himself running around and I was able to concentrate on comforting him and forget about my sorrow.
The rest of the trip went smoothly. Now that he was with me. I concentrated on making sure he was okay. He was fine the whole plane trip. He was fine on the 3 hour drive to his brothers. He kept asking me to tickle him and to bite his nose and ears which made him break into giggles. My uncle was driving so I was able to keep him occupied. Then as we pulled up to the house, MLRA saw the house and recognized it and he quickly said. Mom I don’t have to listen to you anymore. I don’t have to do what you tell me anymore.
We had practiced saying goodbye a few times. Even though I didn’t know what to expect, I never would have imagined what happened next.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
The time has come
I am so heartbroken but also see this more and more as what is supposed to be. Over the weekend, MLRA had peed on his bed, his pajamas and I soon thereafter discovered that he had also peed on his bed. Peeing on his bed took some extra effort as he had to take the plastic off the mattress, pee, then put the plastic back on. I would not have known had I not asked him if he had peed in his room that day. He said yes and I asked him to show me where. He showed me how he had pulled the plastic aside, peed then put everything back. Its very likely he peed in between the floor boards and on the wall also as his room really reeks of pee now.
Over the weekend Aunt #2 miscarried. But before we knew, MLRA had asked me to send a text to her: I miss you a lot and I love you a lot. My mom has a black car and my dad has a blue car and I am glad you are having a baby.
As part of his transition, his therapists asked that I write out a journal for his aunt on his favorite foods, special things, and his bedtime and morning routines.
Favorite breakfast meals:
oatmeal with brown sugar
banana with egg and milk smoothie
banana with peanut butter and milk smoothie
apple with salt
orange juice
waffles
pancakes
Bedtime routine:
brush teeth
go potty
take a bath and practice counting
good night hugs
read 1 or 2 books
say prayers
Wrap him up in a blanket and rock him to sleep.
tuck him in and place his dream catcher near his bed to catch and trap all his bad dreams.
When he is upset
rocking him
holding his hand and taking deep breathes
inhaling some lavendar oil
tear up papers
After school
we go on adventures we dress up and walk around the neighborhood in his costume.
Sundays:
He cooks with me. He can add help cook dinner. We use sign language to communicate during this time and I can carry him or he can use the stool to reach the counter.
He is saying goodbye today to his preschool teacher, his therapist and his regular daycare worker. Tomorrow he says good bye to his therapeutic daycare provider and all his teachers there. We fly out and I drive him to his aunt's house. He has asked that his aunt come out to my car and unbuckle him and take him into the house. My guess is that he has come to associate car seats with being safe and it may mean that he is ready for the transfer of "care" and that is how what he needs to feel the transition.
He is super excited that he will go to school with his brothers. He can hardly wait.
I think that his excited anticipation is God's gift to me. Thank you God. I don't think I would be able to handle the screaming and clinging to my leg type of good bye.
I am now absolutely positive this is how it is supposed to be. *Amen*
Over the weekend Aunt #2 miscarried. But before we knew, MLRA had asked me to send a text to her: I miss you a lot and I love you a lot. My mom has a black car and my dad has a blue car and I am glad you are having a baby.
As part of his transition, his therapists asked that I write out a journal for his aunt on his favorite foods, special things, and his bedtime and morning routines.
Favorite breakfast meals:
oatmeal with brown sugar
banana with egg and milk smoothie
banana with peanut butter and milk smoothie
apple with salt
orange juice
waffles
pancakes
Bedtime routine:
brush teeth
go potty
take a bath and practice counting
good night hugs
read 1 or 2 books
say prayers
Wrap him up in a blanket and rock him to sleep.
tuck him in and place his dream catcher near his bed to catch and trap all his bad dreams.
When he is upset
rocking him
holding his hand and taking deep breathes
inhaling some lavendar oil
tear up papers
After school
we go on adventures we dress up and walk around the neighborhood in his costume.
Sundays:
He cooks with me. He can add help cook dinner. We use sign language to communicate during this time and I can carry him or he can use the stool to reach the counter.
He is saying goodbye today to his preschool teacher, his therapist and his regular daycare worker. Tomorrow he says good bye to his therapeutic daycare provider and all his teachers there. We fly out and I drive him to his aunt's house. He has asked that his aunt come out to my car and unbuckle him and take him into the house. My guess is that he has come to associate car seats with being safe and it may mean that he is ready for the transfer of "care" and that is how what he needs to feel the transition.
He is super excited that he will go to school with his brothers. He can hardly wait.
I think that his excited anticipation is God's gift to me. Thank you God. I don't think I would be able to handle the screaming and clinging to my leg type of good bye.
I am now absolutely positive this is how it is supposed to be. *Amen*
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Time is moving fast and slow at the same time
Well yesterday I got about 10 calls and texts from aunt #1 telling me that I was crazy to send MLRA to aunt #2- that she would move heaven and earth to come for MLRA. I have enough drama trying to put all the pieces together I don't need to deal with aunt #1. I feel that I have to move on and her indecisiveness and final response to me that she couldn't take him was a more honest response than her crazy tirade-filled texts I was receiving yesterday from her yesterday. I responded once and said, It is done already. MLRA is going to your sister. I received more angry tirades criticizing my decision and wanting to know where I lived so she could come get him. Ugh. I guess I made the right decision not to send him to her. er better she made the right decision by stating that she couldn't take him. and that ended up being the right decision for MLRA.
Meanwhile aunt #2 said she was excited that she was getting him and she was enrolling him in special ed preschool on Monday and she was super excited. MLRA asked me to send her a text today that said, "I have missed you a lot, I love you a lot and I can hardly wait to see you. My mom's car is black, my dad's car is blue and I am happy that you are going to have a baby."
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention she is 6 months pregnant.
Even though the plan is to take MLRA there for a visit next weekend and bring him back then take him there for good in two weeks, I have a feeling that he will want to stay and I will let him stay rather than pull him away just to bring him back a week later. But, I will know next week.
So, today I treated as his last Saturday with me. We went to get his haircut, we went to WalMart to cash in his stickers for a toy. He chose an Angry Bird stuffed animal that would fit in his backback. We went to dinner and came home and he started packing his clothes and books that he wants to take to his brother's house. He is super excited now.
I am sooooo happy. I hope that he will be as happy when he gets there. For my sake and yes, for his especially.
Meanwhile aunt #2 said she was excited that she was getting him and she was enrolling him in special ed preschool on Monday and she was super excited. MLRA asked me to send her a text today that said, "I have missed you a lot, I love you a lot and I can hardly wait to see you. My mom's car is black, my dad's car is blue and I am happy that you are going to have a baby."
Oh yeah, I forgot to mention she is 6 months pregnant.
Even though the plan is to take MLRA there for a visit next weekend and bring him back then take him there for good in two weeks, I have a feeling that he will want to stay and I will let him stay rather than pull him away just to bring him back a week later. But, I will know next week.
So, today I treated as his last Saturday with me. We went to get his haircut, we went to WalMart to cash in his stickers for a toy. He chose an Angry Bird stuffed animal that would fit in his backback. We went to dinner and came home and he started packing his clothes and books that he wants to take to his brother's house. He is super excited now.
I am sooooo happy. I hope that he will be as happy when he gets there. For my sake and yes, for his especially.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Part Two: The beginning of the transition...
I sense his deep connection to me. That is a great accomplishment, I'm told because that separates him from those that continue to have attachment issues. He is more likely to be able to have normal relationships.
Last night I had to work late so by the time I got home, my husband had put him bed. When I got home at 8 pm, I found my husband washing the bathroom down. MLRA had been upset obviously and had smeared his feces all over the bathroom. I immediately felt compassion for my husband. He didn't sign up for this. We both had come into this situation not knowing MLRA's problems or the extent of them. It is clear to me now that MLRA's family purposely hid his problems from me in order to not scare me from taking him in the first place. I have to admit that if I had known I would not have brought him home. I had no idea that a 3 year old little boy could be so messed up in such a short period of time. But, MLRA and his brothers are proof of that. As I have said before, a child alcoholic with FAS inability to control impulses that has been sexually abused and exhibits signs of sexual predator grooming behavior really really freaks me out. I can deal with FAS inability to control impulses in a 5 year old. I don’t know that I can deal with a pre-teen alcoholic with inability to control impulses.
But, I digress…
This morning, MLRA greeted me with Good Morning today is going to be a wonderful day! He proceeded to tell me that he hadn’t eaten dinner because he missed me and he wanted to have dinner with me like he always does so he hadn’t wanted to eat with my husband. My husband had told me that he had not wanted to eat pizza and had only taken one bite of his slice of pizza before he said he was done. He came and hugged me and said, I missed you. Will you be home tonight for dinner. I confirmed that yes I would be. I don’t recall missing dinner before but obviously he was expecting it. I hadn’t had a chance to tell him myself I wouldn’t be home for dinner.
Last week, I started preparing MLRA for a visit with his brothers. His therapists and I have devised a plan to transition MLRA back to his family. Next weekend he will spend one night with them and then the following month two nights, all the while getting him to express his feelings through play therapy. So, I told MLRA that he would be going to visit his brothers.
I expected him to be happy about the visit but instead he started sobbing. He asked me if I was sending him away. He begged me and hung onto me to please not send him away that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. It broke my heart. It took me about a half hour to calm him down. I assured him he would come back from the visit. But, it left me wondering how was I going to tell him when he really left for good.
Then on Tuesday, when I dropped him off at his therapeutic daycare, I was told that they were closing in less than a month forever due to funding shortages. I was stunned.
In Shock.
There was no way that I could keep MLRA after the daycare closed. No daycare would take him. He has already gone through 3 or 4 and that was for the limited time of an hour every day. His behaviour is such that he is not ready for normal daycares. My next door neighbor hasn't answered my texts since the incident in September. She was my only babysitter. So, unless I quit my job, I no longer have the resources to keep him PAST the end of November.
I was urged to move up the transition date by his social worker and therapists so that he could still have services up until the day that he went to his aunt. So, he could have help transitioning.
I couldn’t sleep that night. Visions of him screaming trying to hold onto me kept me awake for hours.
I overheard him talking to my husband. MLRA told my husband, “ I am going to go see my brothers with mom. Are you gong to miss me?” My husband meekly said yes. Then MLRA said, “don’t worry dad, I’m coming back!”.
But, this morning, as we are eating breakfast, MLRA surprises me by saying, “Mom, I have an idea, why don’t I go visit my brothers then come back to you, then stay with you for a long time, then go to my brothers for a long time.” I said, yes, that sounds like a good idea. I asked him if he was excited to see his brothers and he said, yes, Mom, they have yummy cereal. I laughed and thought to myself… he must feel deprived since we limit his sugar intake. But, I sense some hope of a smoother transition.
Maybe this is what is supposed to happen for him.
Last night I had to work late so by the time I got home, my husband had put him bed. When I got home at 8 pm, I found my husband washing the bathroom down. MLRA had been upset obviously and had smeared his feces all over the bathroom. I immediately felt compassion for my husband. He didn't sign up for this. We both had come into this situation not knowing MLRA's problems or the extent of them. It is clear to me now that MLRA's family purposely hid his problems from me in order to not scare me from taking him in the first place. I have to admit that if I had known I would not have brought him home. I had no idea that a 3 year old little boy could be so messed up in such a short period of time. But, MLRA and his brothers are proof of that. As I have said before, a child alcoholic with FAS inability to control impulses that has been sexually abused and exhibits signs of sexual predator grooming behavior really really freaks me out. I can deal with FAS inability to control impulses in a 5 year old. I don’t know that I can deal with a pre-teen alcoholic with inability to control impulses.
But, I digress…
This morning, MLRA greeted me with Good Morning today is going to be a wonderful day! He proceeded to tell me that he hadn’t eaten dinner because he missed me and he wanted to have dinner with me like he always does so he hadn’t wanted to eat with my husband. My husband had told me that he had not wanted to eat pizza and had only taken one bite of his slice of pizza before he said he was done. He came and hugged me and said, I missed you. Will you be home tonight for dinner. I confirmed that yes I would be. I don’t recall missing dinner before but obviously he was expecting it. I hadn’t had a chance to tell him myself I wouldn’t be home for dinner.
Last week, I started preparing MLRA for a visit with his brothers. His therapists and I have devised a plan to transition MLRA back to his family. Next weekend he will spend one night with them and then the following month two nights, all the while getting him to express his feelings through play therapy. So, I told MLRA that he would be going to visit his brothers.
I expected him to be happy about the visit but instead he started sobbing. He asked me if I was sending him away. He begged me and hung onto me to please not send him away that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. It broke my heart. It took me about a half hour to calm him down. I assured him he would come back from the visit. But, it left me wondering how was I going to tell him when he really left for good.
Then on Tuesday, when I dropped him off at his therapeutic daycare, I was told that they were closing in less than a month forever due to funding shortages. I was stunned.
In Shock.
There was no way that I could keep MLRA after the daycare closed. No daycare would take him. He has already gone through 3 or 4 and that was for the limited time of an hour every day. His behaviour is such that he is not ready for normal daycares. My next door neighbor hasn't answered my texts since the incident in September. She was my only babysitter. So, unless I quit my job, I no longer have the resources to keep him PAST the end of November.
I was urged to move up the transition date by his social worker and therapists so that he could still have services up until the day that he went to his aunt. So, he could have help transitioning.
I couldn’t sleep that night. Visions of him screaming trying to hold onto me kept me awake for hours.
I overheard him talking to my husband. MLRA told my husband, “ I am going to go see my brothers with mom. Are you gong to miss me?” My husband meekly said yes. Then MLRA said, “don’t worry dad, I’m coming back!”.
But, this morning, as we are eating breakfast, MLRA surprises me by saying, “Mom, I have an idea, why don’t I go visit my brothers then come back to you, then stay with you for a long time, then go to my brothers for a long time.” I said, yes, that sounds like a good idea. I asked him if he was excited to see his brothers and he said, yes, Mom, they have yummy cereal. I laughed and thought to myself… he must feel deprived since we limit his sugar intake. But, I sense some hope of a smoother transition.
Maybe this is what is supposed to happen for him.
The beginning of the transition...
The first choice fell through. Choice #1 SAID she wanted him but then wouldn't work with me on a plan. She first stated that she needed to get a house, a job and a car. I waited. She called and said, I have the house now I just need a car and a job. I waited. Nothing. I checked in with her. She replied I have a car now just need a job. I made a remark like I wish I could get a house and a car without a job. She replied, well i have a job growing marijuana for medicinal purposes but I think I need a different job to take MLRA. I thought to myself, YEAH. But I then received a text saying, I can't take him after all. Do what you have to do.
I saw improvement in MLRA so I stalled. Then MLRA peed on his pillow, his blanket and his pajamas. I am amazed at the trouble he goes to in order to pee anywhere but in the toilet. He had just gone potty so he couldn't have had that much in him but yet he did. He had to have pulled his pillow off of his bed, taken his blanket off the bed and arranged them on the floor along with his pajamas. Then pee on them.
I tried to hide it from my husband. I didn't want him to have another heart attack. He usually leaves these things to me because he does not have the patience or know how to deal with him. But, he found out soon enough when MLRA started yelling, I have cleaned up my pee Mom! Can I play on my computer now?
My husband soon thereafter asked me to tell him when this was going to be over.... I can be very stubborn but I have had to also realize that MLRA's actions do not only affect me but my husband and family as well. So, with that in mind, I re-connected with Aunt #2. She immediately responded and said, My heart and home will always be open to MLRA. I love him and will always love him.
With that, I finally felt relief and also fear that the plan was starting to move forward. I began to be more aware of the little positive things that MLRA did or does. Sometimes, on rare occasions, he will wake up in the morning and bring me my slippers so my feet won't be cold on touching the floor. He always wakes up happy and I've taught him to say Good Morning, today is going to be a good day! Which he now says daily. He is constantly following me around the house like my little shadow. He tells he loves me quite a few times a day. He has to brush his teeth with me and he has to have breakfast with me. I am frustrated most mornings getting him to brush his teeth but when he is brushing his teeth, he is pretty happy and singing.
I saw improvement in MLRA so I stalled. Then MLRA peed on his pillow, his blanket and his pajamas. I am amazed at the trouble he goes to in order to pee anywhere but in the toilet. He had just gone potty so he couldn't have had that much in him but yet he did. He had to have pulled his pillow off of his bed, taken his blanket off the bed and arranged them on the floor along with his pajamas. Then pee on them.
I tried to hide it from my husband. I didn't want him to have another heart attack. He usually leaves these things to me because he does not have the patience or know how to deal with him. But, he found out soon enough when MLRA started yelling, I have cleaned up my pee Mom! Can I play on my computer now?
My husband soon thereafter asked me to tell him when this was going to be over.... I can be very stubborn but I have had to also realize that MLRA's actions do not only affect me but my husband and family as well. So, with that in mind, I re-connected with Aunt #2. She immediately responded and said, My heart and home will always be open to MLRA. I love him and will always love him.
With that, I finally felt relief and also fear that the plan was starting to move forward. I began to be more aware of the little positive things that MLRA did or does. Sometimes, on rare occasions, he will wake up in the morning and bring me my slippers so my feet won't be cold on touching the floor. He always wakes up happy and I've taught him to say Good Morning, today is going to be a good day! Which he now says daily. He is constantly following me around the house like my little shadow. He tells he loves me quite a few times a day. He has to brush his teeth with me and he has to have breakfast with me. I am frustrated most mornings getting him to brush his teeth but when he is brushing his teeth, he is pretty happy and singing.
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