I went to college at a Jesuit university where I had access to many wonderful religious and spiritual leaders. One in particular was a priest on my dorm floor my freshman year in college. He was non-judgmental. Not all are. He is an extremely kind and gentle yet very worldly and aware. He sent me a text recently that simply said, enjoy loving and being loved today.
Surrounded by my extended family for the Thanksgiving week was exactly what I needed. On Thanksgiving day, I sat myself back and enjoyed watching the love flow amongst every and all in my midst. I received a lot of love mostly in the little things: The concerns for whether I had had enough to eat and drink, the genuine connection with most and the laughs from the belly.
MLRA called to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving. His calls are monitored and he is coached by voices in the background about what to say but his voice sounded happy. He sounded very content.
So, I sat down to read some messages I have received in this transition. Here are some of the most profound:
i just thought i'd stop by and let you know that even though we hardly see each other or even talk to each other, i want you to know that i look up to you! you're an amazing woman with nothing but warm love!!! You are not only amazing, but st...rong as well.. :) i have very much love and respect for you! Many wish they can have at least half of the courage you have! Never change! Everything you have done and continue doing has made an impact in many peoples lives! i know it! you are very inspirational.. thank you for what you do! :) God is big and you will get yours, if you haven't already! :) xoxo
trying and giving someone that long in a stable and safe environment, in itself, (and as unlikely as your connection otherwise would have been)….that was a miracle too. When you stop kicking yourself, you can start to heal, my darling and then, the world will open up again so that you can once more gain joy out of it.
Love you! You are an amazing woman, one of my role models!
You're amazing for trying rather than turning your back.
You gave your love to someone - there is no undoing that. I'm praying you will find peace soon.
you gave so much love. You did what so many others can't do. don't beat yourself up. Please try and remember all the good you both have done with him. He might not know now but you gave him his first stable foundation. You are truly a blessing.
Well you tried, you are not God and could not perform miracles, which is what it would've taken. You tried... Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing what is necessary for your sanity. :)
You must choose life. It's so worth living.
You were there when he really needed someone to teach him love and hold him when he was desperate! U did the best you could. Keep that chin up. All the best!!
I have read your blog & empathize with your decision. I know that he had moment's of happiness as a child & maternal adoration for you. Do not think that you have failed. He will remember you as a person that loved him regardless of his shortcomings; there will always be flickers of childhood merriment & familial memories in your home. But it's going to be so painful for you over the next weeks, months & years. You took on a huge responsibility with this boy and you did not let him down but gave him a chapter of hope in a torrential life of pain that no child should have endured. I applaud you for hanging in there for so long when the prognosis became so bleak. You have to take care of yourself and let go. You know that you are facing a downward spiral that will come with PTSD & the battle scars. I don't know how to help you prepare for the pain. Be brave~ you have a strong spirit.
I think you gave it your all. You got him help, you loved him and it just sounds like he is really screwed up. I cannot imagine dealing w/what you have dealt with escpecially since you are not the one who screwed him up. It is very sad but hey we can't save the world. How much humility, anguish, tears, failure are you supposed to endure before you throw in the towel. He has probably already taken quite a toll on you already. You tried and kept trying but in the process do you keep trying until he destroys you? NO. You deserve a normal child, you seem to be an awesome woman who is willing to give so much.
I read and reread all my messages and allowed myself to bask in the love.
No comments:
Post a Comment