I sense his deep connection to me. That is a great accomplishment, I'm told because that separates him from those that continue to have attachment issues. He is more likely to be able to have normal relationships.
Last night I had to work late so by the time I got home, my husband had put him bed. When I got home at 8 pm, I found my husband washing the bathroom down. MLRA had been upset obviously and had smeared his feces all over the bathroom. I immediately felt compassion for my husband. He didn't sign up for this. We both had come into this situation not knowing MLRA's problems or the extent of them. It is clear to me now that MLRA's family purposely hid his problems from me in order to not scare me from taking him in the first place. I have to admit that if I had known I would not have brought him home. I had no idea that a 3 year old little boy could be so messed up in such a short period of time. But, MLRA and his brothers are proof of that. As I have said before, a child alcoholic with FAS inability to control impulses that has been sexually abused and exhibits signs of sexual predator grooming behavior really really freaks me out. I can deal with FAS inability to control impulses in a 5 year old. I don’t know that I can deal with a pre-teen alcoholic with inability to control impulses.
But, I digress…
This morning, MLRA greeted me with Good Morning today is going to be a wonderful day! He proceeded to tell me that he hadn’t eaten dinner because he missed me and he wanted to have dinner with me like he always does so he hadn’t wanted to eat with my husband. My husband had told me that he had not wanted to eat pizza and had only taken one bite of his slice of pizza before he said he was done. He came and hugged me and said, I missed you. Will you be home tonight for dinner. I confirmed that yes I would be. I don’t recall missing dinner before but obviously he was expecting it. I hadn’t had a chance to tell him myself I wouldn’t be home for dinner.
Last week, I started preparing MLRA for a visit with his brothers. His therapists and I have devised a plan to transition MLRA back to his family. Next weekend he will spend one night with them and then the following month two nights, all the while getting him to express his feelings through play therapy. So, I told MLRA that he would be going to visit his brothers.
I expected him to be happy about the visit but instead he started sobbing. He asked me if I was sending him away. He begged me and hung onto me to please not send him away that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever. It broke my heart. It took me about a half hour to calm him down. I assured him he would come back from the visit. But, it left me wondering how was I going to tell him when he really left for good.
Then on Tuesday, when I dropped him off at his therapeutic daycare, I was told that they were closing in less than a month forever due to funding shortages. I was stunned.
In Shock.
There was no way that I could keep MLRA after the daycare closed. No daycare would take him. He has already gone through 3 or 4 and that was for the limited time of an hour every day. His behaviour is such that he is not ready for normal daycares. My next door neighbor hasn't answered my texts since the incident in September. She was my only babysitter. So, unless I quit my job, I no longer have the resources to keep him PAST the end of November.
I was urged to move up the transition date by his social worker and therapists so that he could still have services up until the day that he went to his aunt. So, he could have help transitioning.
I couldn’t sleep that night. Visions of him screaming trying to hold onto me kept me awake for hours.
I overheard him talking to my husband. MLRA told my husband, “ I am going to go see my brothers with mom. Are you gong to miss me?” My husband meekly said yes. Then MLRA said, “don’t worry dad, I’m coming back!”.
But, this morning, as we are eating breakfast, MLRA surprises me by saying, “Mom, I have an idea, why don’t I go visit my brothers then come back to you, then stay with you for a long time, then go to my brothers for a long time.” I said, yes, that sounds like a good idea. I asked him if he was excited to see his brothers and he said, yes, Mom, they have yummy cereal. I laughed and thought to myself… he must feel deprived since we limit his sugar intake. But, I sense some hope of a smoother transition.
Maybe this is what is supposed to happen for him.
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