“To laugh often and much; to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; to earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends. To appreciate beauty; to find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; to know that even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

I had to take the witness stand to reverse the court's image of me as a person that would abandon a small child without any concern for their well-being, based on the aunt's description of me. I testified. Findings reversed. I'm better for having gone through this process.

I miss MLRA. But, things are moving ahead. He is now in preschool with his new foster family. They appeared to be enamored with him and he is doing well. His foster dad is a social worker so he seems to be where he needs to be. His foster mom is a stay-at-home mom. He needs that constant supervision. He will be raised Mormon. The Mormon religion is a strong advocate against drinking and smoking. Hopefully, this is where he will thrive.

I am now in a better place. I do believe (once again) that things happen for a reason and that all this was meant to happen to put MLRA in the place he needs to be to have a decent life. I hope to be a part of his life but that is up to the foster family and his about to be adopted family. I have finally taken his car seat out of my car. My friends told me it was a bit creepy that I drove around with it in my back seat. I guess it was. The next step is his room. We will be sending him his boxes and boxes of toys.

I hope all continues to go well for him.

December 22nd- “People are like dirt. They can either nourish you and help you grow as a person or they can stunt your growth and make you wilt and die.”

My stomach was in knots and I couldn't eat breakfast or sleep the night before. I woke up crying and kept excusing myself to go to the bathroom as I cried in the bathroom. My mother and father sadly watched helplessly. Each time, they tried to talk to me, I made a joke and changed the subject. I did, however, ask them to go with me to see him. I knew they were not going to be allowed in to see him with me but I needed their emotional support while I had it.

I sat in the lobby sitting with my parents on each side of me. I waited impatiently. We arrived a half hour early. I kept peering outside to see if I would see him arrive. I anticipated his screams telling me to go away, I anticipated him running to me.

I sat with my parents, no one said anything but I nervously moved around in my chair-peering at the clock.

I saw the social worker walk slowly towards me. I looked over and saw MLRA walking next to him. I got up and walked over to him, knelt down to him and said,OMG MLRA you grew you are sooo tall now. He had grown about 3 inches it seemed to me. MLRA's eyes grew big and he stopped and said to me, you need to go away, my aunt told me that you were not my mom and that I am not supposed to call you mom. So, go back to the airport and get on the plane and go back home.

The social worker asked me, do you want to go ahead with the visit, I said, yes. MLRA turned to the social worker and said no, tell her to leave, she is not my mom- don't leave me alone with her. I said, give us some time. The social worker asked if I wanted to use their visitation room. I said yes. MLRA said to the social worker, please don't leave me with her. I told the social worker, yes, if MLRA feels more comfortable with you in the room, please stay for a while. The social worker agreed and we followed him into the visitation room. The room had a large two-way mirror presumably to supervise parents with their children to assure the safety of the children. I also assumed that there were microphones hidden so that the conversations could be monitored for appropriateness but I couldn't let that interfere with my job. My job in that one hour I was allowed with MLRA was to reassure him that I loved him and that he was not a bad kid and that he was going to be safe.

As soon as we walked into the room, MLRA went and hid behind a column. He crossed his arms and refused to look at me. I kneeled down next to him and when I got close to him, he angrily turned to me and screamed at me, YOU LIED TO ME, YOU TOLD ME THAT MY AUNT WAS GOING TO KEEP ME SAFE, SHE DIDN'T SHE WOULD HIT ME WITH A BIG PADDLE. He held out his arms to show me how big the paddle was. I responded to him, I am so mad! I am so mad at your aunt, she told me she was going to keep you safe and she didn't. I am so upset with your aunt right now! He calmed down and looked at me and uncrossed his arms and said, she hits my brothers too! And she puts me on time-out on a red chair. I so wanted to hold him. But, he wasn't ready. So, I turned around and sat on the couch across the room. I held my head down and said loud enough so he could hear me, I am so mad. She told me she was going to keep you safe and she didn't. MLRA looked at me and he started walking over to me. Then he re-thought it and said, My aunt told me you're not my mom. She told me not to call you mom, she said I had to call you aunt. I walked over to him and kneeled down to his eyes again and said, You can call me whatever you want, you can call me aunt, mom, or by my name. He looked up at me with tears in his eyes and he said, can I call you mommy? I nodded yes. A tear rolled down his face. I asked him if I could hug him and he said no. He turned and sat on the couch away from me. I pulled out a book that I had found at my mom's house and I asked MLRA if he wanted to come read with me. He said no. I turned to the social worker and motioned that he could leave. He silently walked out the room. MLRA noticed but he was focused on telling me that I should read to myself because he didn't want to read with me. MLRA then noticed that someone had written on it. He told me in an astonished voice, "who wrote on my book?" I said I don't know! where? MLRA walked over to me to show me. I asked him again if I could hug him and he said yes and climbed up on my lap. We read the book together. I asked him if he wanted to talk to his dad? he said yes, I used my cell phone to call him. MLRA got super excited when he heard his voice. I could hear my husband telling him the he missed and loved him. MLRA tried to hang up the phone but he couldn't figure out how to do it so he eventually gave up and instead said, he loved him and missed him too. AFter hanging up with him, he grabbed my purse and dumped it on the floor. He was looking for candy and gum.

He gleefully revealed to me that his foster mom let him do something that I never did. I asked him what is that? He happily replied, "she lets me brush my teeth in the living room". I gasped in surprise and he giggled. He asked me I would bite his nose. I pretended to bite his nose and he roared with laughter. Then he told me that He wanted me to know that he still picked his nose. I said, oh gross and he laughed.

I asked him if he was sleeping okay. I had visions of him screaming at nighttime. He replied to me in an angry tone, "NO! They make me sleep in a room with a little boy and he wakes up in the middle of the night and stands up on his bed and grabs his bed and screams WAH WAH! WAH! WAH! All night long! He wakes me up and doesn't let me sleep, mom! I want to hit him to make him shut up! I had visions of him actually hitting the little 2 year old brain damaged little boy and I reminded him that he needed to be kind and nice.

He climbed up higher up on me and wrapped his whole little body around me and asked me if he could come home with me. Luckily I was prepared for the question. I told him, MLRA you are a great runner and a wonderful tree climber and you need a mom that can climb trees with you and chase you and play outside in the park with you and I get sick and can't do that with you. So, I'm going to work with Melvin the social worker to find you a safe place for you. MLRA responded, but mom when you are sick, I help you so you can walk and when you are sick, dad can do those things with me. I said, son, you need a healthy mom and dad. But, I will always love you. Who is my favorite little boy in the whole world? He jumped up and back into my arms and said, "me, I'm your favorite little boy!" I said, yes and I kissed him all over his face. He laughed and asked me to kiss him again. I did over and over again.

He got a dark look on his face and said, Mom, my aunt came and left me here. She didn't want me anymore. I looked into his eyes and said, I know and I'm so angry with your aunt. He looked at me in disbelief and said, how did you know I was here? I told him that Melvin had called me. He said, you know Melvin? I said yes. He said, can you tell Melvin to give your phone number to my foster mom so I can call you whenever you want. I said, yes. Then Melvin came in to say the hour was over. I helped MLRA with his coat and he said, Look mom, they bought me new shoes and a new coat! I said, oh nice. But where are your coats? MLRA calmly said, my aunt didn't give them to me. As Melvin walked into the room, I asked him, did MLRA's aunt, drop off his computer? his dreamcatcher? his books? videos? Melvin answered, No, just a hamper of dirty clothes and some papers. MLRA was still hanging onto me - having wrapped himself around me after putting on his coat. MLRA said, Melvin can you give my mom's number to my foster mom? Melvin said, yes, I will do that. Do you have anything at your aunt's house that I should get for you? MLRA said, Yes, my computer and books.

I told MLRA bye I love you and I will come back to see you. MLRA said, I love you too.

MLRA also asked me to send him his teddy bear and other toys and pictures of me with him. Which I promised to do.

December 19th “When men speak ill of thee, live so that nobody will believe them.”

I can finally face this blog to write what has happened since that dreadful day I found out that MLRA had been taken to the welfare office screaming and frantically begging to not be abandoned once again.

The following Monday, December 19th, I had a brief conversation with my attorney before the court hearing. I asked that she request that I be allowed to see MLRA. The court refused to rule on the issue. De facto denial. The court papers alleged that I had left MLRA on his aunt's doorstep without warning-seemingly rang the doorbell and rang-leaving the aunt to take him in without a chance to say no. The emails (at least the ones I sent the aunt) had become part of the court record.

I suppose I didn't look like a very nurturing person to the aunt. In fact I probably looked awful. That I didn't care for MLRA and had "dumped" him off without any regard to his safety or emotional well-being. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Nonetheless there I was denied the right to even see him because of the awful picture depicted to the court-however inaccurate, the court at that point only had one side of the story. The aunt's.

I had gone prepared to see him. I had promised him that I would take him the rest of his clothes at Christmas time. He was expecting to see me. I didn't want to disappoint him or add to his disappointments. He had been so excited to live with his brothers. How does an adult survive such a huge disappointment? How does a little boy do it? I was anxious and desperate, needing to know how he was doing. I wanted to go to him and rock away his anger, his disappointment and his fears. Yet I was faced with the reality that it was out of my hands. Not so comforting.

Nonetheless, I spoke to my mother and told her that I was planning on going to the welfare office to drop off his duffle bag of clothes. She asked if I needed her to go with me. I said no. I called and made an appointment for the 21st of December.

I took the duffle bag with me and went to my appointment. As soon as I walked in- I sensed all the office workers look up at me in curiousity. I felt them whisper among themselves and stare at me. In reality I don't know that that was true but my insecurity was imagining things possibly.

The social worker was waiting for him. He asked if I could fill him in on MLRA's issues, personality and likes and dislikes. I agreed. I signed releases for him so he could get MLRA's health records, dental records, mental health records, educational records, and psychological records.

As I got ready to leave, he asked me if I wanted to see MLRA. I responded that I had taken the no decision from the court as a de facto denial. He said, well I can arrange for you to see him tomorrow before you leave town. If you'd like. There was no denial from the court so you won't be violating the court. I said yes. Not sure what to expect. My stomach knotted up.

I couldn't eat lunch that day. Nor dinner. Nor breakfast the next day. I called his social worker from his therapeutic daycare to fill them in on MLRA. She walked me through what MLRA would be thinking when he saw him. Anger, relief, disappointment and of course a great loss to see me and not be able to come home with me.

She prepared me over the phone for a great multitude of scenarios and how to stay focused on telling MLRA what he needed to hear so he could recover from this.