Tired

Coming home from my Thanksgiving vacation, I was hopeful that I was past the worst of my spiral into an empty hole of depression. 

I have been home for a week now and I am so tired.  I can barely keep my eyes open.  All I want is to sleep and when I lie down, I can't sleep.  When I do sleep, I can't stay asleep.  And when I need to wake up, I can't get up from exhaustion. 

I washed MLRA's bathroom and bathtub finally.  No one has used it since he left.  Frankly no one would use it except for him.  Although I would clean it periodically, I never trusted I cleaned it well enough that I would use the other bathroom mostly.  But, I cleaned it finally and took a bubble bath. I lit a candle and played music in the background.  I haven't had a bubble bath in at least 2 years. The hot water and silence was not relaxing.  The chaotic thoughts scrambling through my head wouldn't let me relax.  My brain went from thinking about the goodbye with MLRA to the moments right before when I was tickling him to the text messages from his aunt to work to thoughts of MLRA and what he must have seen as he showered everynight in the same bath tub.  Did he wonder about his mother?  Did he wonder what he was doing with us? Did he relax enough to enjoy the showers?  Did he wonder about his father? 

I'm continuing forward with my plans.  I have put together a small group of friends interested in skyping with my friend the Jesuit priest.  Our first assignment is to listen to music ( a specific website) for a minimum of 5 minutes each day for the next week and write down how the music made us feel.  Anxious and nervous were my feelings.  

I will also start boxing this next week (a friend will be joining me).  Hopefully the physical exercise will physically exhaust me to knock me out and I can get some sleep.