MLRA has had two aunts that have responded to taking him in. Unfortunately, one aunt (which was my first choice) has decided against taking him. The reason she was my first choice was because she was very close to MLRA's mother. This aunt, aunt #1, lives in a big city that has more resources for MLRA than where he is now here with me. There is a therapeutic daycare with child psychologists on staff and a special ed preschool and kindergarten housed in the same facilites. PERFECT. Except that the aunt grows medicinal marijuana as a "job". She was looking for another job in order to take MLRA but has since decided that she can't take him after all.
Choice #2: The other aunt. The other aunt has MLRA's two other brothers, whom she has adopted. I talked a little about their challenges in an earlier post. She has been unrelenting in her desire to take MLRA if I can't anymore. So, this is where MLRA will go.
Now that that is decided. I'm left with dealing with the transition and the undeniable depression that will descend upon me. I have made MLRA my entire life. My schedule has revolved around him and his needs for a year and a half. I envision myself sleeping for days (good) but I also evision rocking myself to sleep in his room crying uncontrollably (sad). Tearfully and depressively sad.
IN the weeks and months since I've made the decision, I have seen some improvement in MLRA. Some that gave me hope. Hope that maybe he could be normal or that my family and I had adapted to him and him to us. He is learning consequences. He has started sounding out words to name the letter it starts with. He hasn't threatened to kill anyone. The worst he has told his special ed teachers has yell at his teachers to shut up. Okay, see that is considered progress but any normal parent with a normal child would probably be upset to know their child is yelling at teachers to shut up. But, again, last night, he was upset that he went on timeout and he decided to pee on his pillow and on the floor of his room. I maintained an illusion of calm but I had to leave in order to calm myself down. I was gone for 3 or 4 hours from home- wandering the malls, afraid to go home and afraid to not.
I understand that MLRA will be better off with me and my husband and has a better chance of becoming a functioning member of society. HOWEVER, I also understand that MLRA's mental health well being will come at the sacrifice of my health (physical and mental) most likely. And that is where I have to choose life.
Deuteronomy 30:19 I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live.
My friends and families won't judge me or criticize me for they know me and they are the ones that have encouraged me to let go. But, I am and will be my harshest critic. If MLRA ends up accomplishing anything less than college graduation, I will blame myself. For that, I must be prepared to look in the mirror and say, Dear, you did everything you could. You literally did everything you could for him. You could do no more. I will need to repeat it until the tears stop flowing.
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