Surrounded by family mainly I started to gently force myself to move forward. Surrounded by family, I started to tell stories that would make them laugh. I didn't know why but I felt that it was helpful for me to laugh at myself.
I told them the story of when I went to study in Mexico for a summer. Here let me share the story here. It helped me focus on something other than my misery.
I was 23 years old and I was selected to do an exchange program together with medical students. The idea was to conduct a study on child malnutrition. I was one of 12 students. I was the only college student, the other 11 students were medical students. We were each assigned to a village. On the weekends, all of us would meet in the capital city for medical classes and to work on our study. At the end of the summer, my father came to Mexico to accompany back to the United States. Shortly after he had arrived, we went to a soccer game. My father got up and disappeared for a while but came back with two Coke bottles and some potato chips. I was shocked. I told my him, "Dad, don't drink the Cokes! The professors at the university told us to not drink Coke because a man had fallen into the mixer and they had not been able to get him out in time so he was cut up into little pieces. If you hold up the bottle of Coke, Dad, you can see bits and pieces of his bones floating in the bottle." I grabbed the Coke bottle and held it up to show my father that he was going to be drinking pieces of a crushed up man. My dad to my dismay, looked disgusted and grabbed his Coke and put it to his lips and drank it ignoring my pleas.
He then grabbed the potato chips and opened the bag. When he opened the bag, I told him, "Dad, the local newspapers published an article that uncovered that the factory where they make these potato chips was under investigation because they found thousands and thousands of dead rats. Apparently they were skinning the rats and using the skin to fry the potato chips so that they didn't have to pay for frying oil." I grabbed the bag of potato chips and held it up to my dad's nose and asked him to sniff. I said to him that he needed to smell it so he could smell the faint smell of rat.
My dad grabbed the bag out of my hand in a very hostile manner. He then lowered his head and sighed. Then he turned to look at me said, in a very disappointed tone, My God, and you were the only one of my children that studied in a university".
Whenever I tell that story it makes people laugh. This time I told it to make myself laugh at myself. People rolled in laughter. This was the first time I told the story in front of my dad. He must have remembered because he looked at me and smiled while shaking his head like he remembered his own feelings and disappointment at that time.
I was planning on going home the next day. I planned on making lunch plans with close friends to keep myself on track. During the week I did just that. I didn't have to ask though. Friends were calling me and inviting me to get together. I was feeling better. I had planned on taking a couple of days off and spending Thanksgiving with another part of my extended family. So, I started packing.
I have now been here at my aunt's house since Saturday. It is Wednesday before Thanksgiving. Monday, I got a text from MLRA's aunt asking for money to buy him clothes, she said, I'm just your babysitter so please send money to feed him and clothe him. I responded go to a second hand store. I dropped him off with two coats and a suitcase of winter clothes. She responded back with, forget it, go to hell, he doesn't need you and I'm going to tell him that you are nothing to him. I am going to tell him that you don't give a shit about him and that you came to drop him for dead. That you didn't care who was here to take him, just as long as you didn't have to take care of him anymore.
I responded with, I'm sorry but to tell you the truth I am at peace with everything that I did for MLRA, how I treated him and how I transferred him to you . I have no regrets.
She responded with, "are you stupid? at the end of the day, you left him for dead. I'm going to remind him of that as he grows up." My aunt kept asking me to read her the texts. As I read her the texts she responded with ignore her. Don't text her anymore, you are done. She is just trying to make you feel bad so she can get money out of you. You don't owe them anything. They are the ones that should be gratfeful that you took him for a year and a half. They are the ones that should have sent you money to take care of him when you had him.
After the string of texts stopped. My aunt looked at me and said, They are evil people and for your own health you need to cut them off even if it means that you don't see MLRA. They will drag you into their hell if not. and from what I can see, that is exactly what they are trying to do.
I went back to not sleeping again. Now, its the day before Thanksgiving and I am slowly getting back to sleeping all night. I only woke up once last night at 3:30 am but I went back to sleep. I want to call MLRA tomorrow to wish him a Happy Thanksgiving. But, I don't know if I should. Argh. For now, I am going to go make some pumpkin pies and mull it over while the pies are baking and discuss it with my aunt.
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