Its been a dark and cruel descent into guilt, shame, grief and intense sadness. But, I need a plan. I have gone through some pretty hellish times in the past. Two specifics one I can think of. The first was back in 1991 when in a matter of weeks my whole world crashed down on me.
I was in law school. I had just left my then-husband. I had started fainting and feeling vertigo such so that I couldn't stop vomitting for days, couldn't get the room and me to stop spinning for weeks so I was confined to a bed. All this while in law school. Doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. Weeks prior the newspaper had published a warrant for my oldest brother. My mother went with him to turn himself in. But, the drug charges were pending. Another brother had just found out he was diabetic and he was not taking it well. One of my nephews had been sent to juvenile jail for breaking a store window with a bb gun and he had punched the guard and taken the jail keys and let him and a few buddies out of jail. He was on the loose. We didn't know where he was. All this had happened in the days leading up to my first episode of vertigo 2/16/1992.
In the weeks and days after, my mother's oldest sister died so my mother was out of the country for her funeral and unavailable to me. There had been an explosion at work and my father had 2nd degree burns through 50% of his upper body. I couldn't go to his side. and he couldn't come to mine.
Emotionally I checked out. I boarded a bus and went to my brother's house and when I arrived I arrived an emotional zombie. I sat on his sofa and stared into space for days. My sister-in-law and brother would put food in front of me. Every once in a while my 8 year old nephew would wave his hands in front of me to see if i would flinch. I would smile at him and go back to my nothingness. This went on for about a week. Then I got up and said i was ready to go back to school. I boarded Greyhound and went back to school.
I wasn't okay but I was okay enough.
The second time was when I found a meth pipe in my present husband's laundry. I gave him an ultimatum but that sent me into a tailspin. My husband eventually completed a year of rehab and he has been clean now for 5 years. But, in order to get out of that depression, I created a spiritual plan with a priest I knew from college. I attended NarcAnon once a week and I hired a psychologist to get me through it.
I know I needed a depression intervention plan. First I need to grieve. So, I was letting myself grieve. Upon my return home, I told myself I would keep myself busy with seeing friends. Then I plan on flying to see more relatives for Thanksgiving. Then when I come back I will start my spiritual journey. Only this time, I was going to invite others. After all, I now have $700 more a month now that I don't have to pay for MLRA's daycare. MLRA went to a therapeutice daycare that was non profit. He then went to afternoon special preschool which was publicly funded but then he went to a private daycare for an hour (sometimes two hours) a day. And that was where we paid up to $700 a month.
That money saved is going to fund my spiritual journey through this trying time.
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