That first night without him was quiet. I slept for about 4 or 5 hours total from 10 pm to 8 am. It was the morning of my niece's wedding. I was looking forward to seeing her get married but I wasn't ready to face anyone nor did I want all the emotional drama to take away from her beautiful day. Unfortunately, I couldn't help myself. Everytime someone asked me if I was okay, I'd bust out into tears. And I am an ugly crier. Some people look okay crying- not ugly. I look ugly when I cry. So, I try to turn away so no one gets horrified.
I had one aunt that was my only other reliable babysitter (besides my next door neighbor that I eventually lost). I had to face her. She was the one that took care of him when I left the country last year for my cousin's funeral and also the one that took him for my birthday weekend when my brother couldn't. Granted she lived four hours away but she became the ONLY respite my husband and I had. She loves me a lot and she came to love MLRA. She and her husband. Her husband loved him a lot too. I avoided them until I couldn't anymore.
But, I had to face her eventually. I had to get it over with. I had to explain what I had done and I didn't have a happy ending to soften the blow. I didn't know how he was doing. I had texted and texted to see how he was doing and I got no response. It didn't appear that they were going to let me talk to him or have contact with him. I had to explain myself to my aunt. They deserved a right to know. They loved him too. They hadn't had a chance to say goodbye.
I broke down at one point before the wedding and secluded myself in the bathroom. I sobbed and sobbed. I felt that my whole body was convulsing from the grief. I didn't stop. I couldn't stop. My dear brother came looking for me and grabbed my arm and pulled me up and embraced me. I clung to him tight and he held me tighter the more I cried. I buried my face into his chest and sobbed while he held me even tighter. He whispered to me, you did the right thing over and over again. He told me you couldn't do this alone and he needs someone that doesn't have a job and can concentrate on just him. He rocked me gently as he held me. He told me he loved me and that he was proud of me for what I had done for him. I cried until I became weaker. He didn't let go. I figured that I was too much emotion for him. But, he held me until I didn't need his strength to stand upright anymore.
and that is how it was the whole night. the whole wedding. with each breakdown there was someone to comfort me. That is the beauty of having a large family. But, the most beautiful part of it all was that each time it was someone different. I wasn't overwhelming one person. It was different family members. I guess its hard to explain. But, with large families, its impossible to get along with everyone or be close to everyone. So, I wasn't expecting emotional support but was gladly receiving it when offered.
One of the big surprises was a cousin that I have never particularly liked or gotten along with. In fact I avoid talking to her because I find her unpleasant. But, the day after the wedding I received a call from her. She wanted to tell me that if I ever wanted to talk that she was here for me and that she knew I was going through a hard time and she had my back no matter our history of not getting along and that she loved me.
I cried again. or maybe I just stopped for a little bit.
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