I can finally face this blog to write what has happened since that dreadful day I found out that MLRA had been taken to the welfare office screaming and frantically begging to not be abandoned once again.
The following Monday, December 19th, I had a brief conversation with my attorney before the court hearing. I asked that she request that I be allowed to see MLRA. The court refused to rule on the issue. De facto denial. The court papers alleged that I had left MLRA on his aunt's doorstep without warning-seemingly rang the doorbell and rang-leaving the aunt to take him in without a chance to say no. The emails (at least the ones I sent the aunt) had become part of the court record.
I suppose I didn't look like a very nurturing person to the aunt. In fact I probably looked awful. That I didn't care for MLRA and had "dumped" him off without any regard to his safety or emotional well-being. Nothing could be further from the truth.
Nonetheless there I was denied the right to even see him because of the awful picture depicted to the court-however inaccurate, the court at that point only had one side of the story. The aunt's.
I had gone prepared to see him. I had promised him that I would take him the rest of his clothes at Christmas time. He was expecting to see me. I didn't want to disappoint him or add to his disappointments. He had been so excited to live with his brothers. How does an adult survive such a huge disappointment? How does a little boy do it? I was anxious and desperate, needing to know how he was doing. I wanted to go to him and rock away his anger, his disappointment and his fears. Yet I was faced with the reality that it was out of my hands. Not so comforting.
Nonetheless, I spoke to my mother and told her that I was planning on going to the welfare office to drop off his duffle bag of clothes. She asked if I needed her to go with me. I said no. I called and made an appointment for the 21st of December.
I took the duffle bag with me and went to my appointment. As soon as I walked in- I sensed all the office workers look up at me in curiousity. I felt them whisper among themselves and stare at me. In reality I don't know that that was true but my insecurity was imagining things possibly.
The social worker was waiting for him. He asked if I could fill him in on MLRA's issues, personality and likes and dislikes. I agreed. I signed releases for him so he could get MLRA's health records, dental records, mental health records, educational records, and psychological records.
As I got ready to leave, he asked me if I wanted to see MLRA. I responded that I had taken the no decision from the court as a de facto denial. He said, well I can arrange for you to see him tomorrow before you leave town. If you'd like. There was no denial from the court so you won't be violating the court. I said yes. Not sure what to expect. My stomach knotted up.
I couldn't eat lunch that day. Nor dinner. Nor breakfast the next day. I called his social worker from his therapeutic daycare to fill them in on MLRA. She walked me through what MLRA would be thinking when he saw him. Anger, relief, disappointment and of course a great loss to see me and not be able to come home with me.
She prepared me over the phone for a great multitude of scenarios and how to stay focused on telling MLRA what he needed to hear so he could recover from this.
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